Childbirth is beautiful they say. A miracle. The most incredible moment of your life, they say. You’ll be changed forever by its glory. The fascinating reality of The Day You Were Born, however, is that it’s a bloody, poopy, mess of a time. People are screaming, rushing around with tools, your mother was possibly freaking out, or not. Perhaps she was calm. It could’ve been the drugs. This SNL sketch starring Amy Schumer gets down to the brass tacks of childbirth.
So please, remember on this Mother’s Day that yes, you’re her little child and she loves you so much, but that day was quite possibly one of the horrific of your parents’ lives. There is something called “perineal tears.” That’s all. You can look them up, but they are real and that reality will never come up during your Mother’s Day dinner.
So love her. Love your mother, because she will keep the incredible feelings of childbirth from you until you absolutely need to know the details, and by then, it’s quite possibly too late. And then you will become parents, and your children will maybe give you flowers, or chocolates, and it will be for reasons they’ll never understand.*
*Because your butt was torn bringing them into the world.