Ann Coulter Crowns Herself The Champion Of Rob Lowe’s ‘Boring’ Comedy Central Roast

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Love her or (most likely) hate her, Ann Coulter knows exactly what she’s doing. She’s the real-life version of Jay Sherman’s cardboard cutout, shouting, “Buy my book! Buy my book!” at everyone who passes by. She’s such a spectacular spin doctor of her own particular brand of conservatism that she might as well be dubbed the surgeon general of spin: Coulter can take any attack on her and twist it to make it seem like she’s the one who came out on top. Case in point: The Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe.

Why the f*ck was Ann Coulter involved with a Comedy Central roast? Man asked that question after the news broke ahead of last Saturday’s event, but the answer was simple. Lowe explained her presence on his dais as being in the best interest of comedy, because the people who don’t make sense often provide the best material. But for Coulter it was all about promoting her latest book, In Trump We Trust, as she has hitched her monster truck to The Donald’s wagon for the sake of unimaginable self-promotion. She knew she’d take a beating on that stage, and we should have known that she’d eventually proclaim herself the winner.

A quick rundown of news headlines reveals that Coulter was “mercilessly destroyed,” “obliterated,” and “scorched,” and it didn’t take long before people declared the attacks “not v. funny” or “Too far.” That’s impressive considering this is about a woman who has no boundaries when it comes to dispensing her political “wisdom.” But the actual comics did go quite far in their effort to break through Coulter’s Kevlar skin, and, if anything, resorting to “kill yourself” jokes showed a lack of creativity. Or perhaps it was a sign of actual, unmistakable hatred at an event when everything is supposed to be all in good fun.

Whatever we think about the jokes and humor, all that matters for Coulter is how she spins it in her favor, because that’s what she does and holy sh*t, you guys, she is spinning some gold this time. In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter that is so unbelievable that I had to make sure it wasn’t parody, Coulter confirmed that this was all about selling books, while taking parting shots at Comedy Central.

Why do you think it became a roast of you?

I have no idea, but it probably has something to do with Comedy Central’s corporate decision to move away from comedy — which is paying huge dividends with the Larry Wilmore and Trevor Noah shows.

Spin, spin, spin. And she took shots at the rest of the comics on the dais by yawning and staring at her watch, after the fact.

I thought violent rhetoric was off limits. That what I heard after Sarah Palin put a target on a map, anyway.

People are too thin-skinned. My only rule about a joke is that it should be funny.

Which of the jokes that night offended you?

Nothing offends me. “Bored me” is a different story.

Spin, spin, spin. She vaguely insulted their work, called Peyton Manning by his brother’s name, and then mentioned her book again. Did you know she has a new book?

Who wrote your jokes?

Me and some of my friends, including the magnificent joke writer Ned Rice. Ross Bennett told me to start with the bit about my book, since that was the only reason I was doing it. (I’ll do garage radio when I’m promoting a book.) I couldn’t use much of what was given to me by the network because of Comedy Central’s decision to shift away from humor.

She called the other comedians “wannabes” and chastised them for being unfunny and unsuccessful. The classic “their jokes weren’t offensive because they weren’t funny” defense. Only one real comedian took the stage at Rob Lowe’s roast.

There were some pretty mean jokes about you, weren’t there?

I don’t notice “mean,” but I do notice “jokes” and I didn’t hear many of those — until I took the mic!

It takes a lot more than a Kentucky Derby joke to take down the surgeon general of spin.