TV

Okay, But What If Rob Lowe Discovered Bigfoot?


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Good news and bad news.

The good: Rob Lowe and his sons have a television show in which they travel the world attempting to solve mysteries and locate beasts of legend. Were you aware of this? I hope you were. It is called The Lowe Files and it is on A&E. As I’ve said before when discussing this show, it’s a little insane that it took us all the way until 2017 for someone to greenlight a series about a former West Wing star tracking urban legends with his or her children. That should have been an entire genre of show by now. Like how there are about a half dozen Real Housewives shows set in various metropolitan areas all over the country. Ten thousand shows on 400 channels and we just started this three weeks ago. Peak TV, my ass.

Anyway, the show is fine and kind of sweet because it is secretly more about Rob Lowe hanging out with his sons and bonding over goofy Scooby-Doo adventures than it is about finding monsters. Also, the opening credits are set to “Don’t Fear the Reaper” and end like this, which is something I feel everyone should know.

On this week’s episode, the three Lowes headed to Northern California to look for Bigfoot. Let me rephrase: Last night, television star Rob Lowe and his teenage children hunted for Bigfoot on basic cable television. I know other things are happening in the world, a lot, all the time, to the degree it would be nice if everything chilled out for a second, but we should take time to talk about this.

Unfortunately, that brings us to…

Bad news: Despite a valiant(-ish) effort and the help of both a Native American tribe and a Bigfoot expert named Matt Moneymaker, Rob Lowe and his sons did not find Bigfoot in the Northern California woods. Not even using advanced Bigfoot-finding strategies like switching to night vision and howling a few times. Here, look.

Hmm. Maybe I should have filed those screencaps under the good news section. We really do have a lot to think about here. But most notably, we should probably think about this: What if Rob Lowe and his sons had found Bigfoot?

Seriously. I want you to stop what you’re doing for a minute or two and wrap your head around that. At least try to. What if this episode of The Lowe Files had ended with Rob Lowe, his sons, and Bigfoot expert Matt Moneymaker stumbling across the real, undeniable, 8-foot-tall, in-the-flesh Bigfoot? What if Rob Lowe proved the existence of Bigfoot on an A&E show?

It would be huge news. Huge. Conspiracy theorists have been speculating about Bigfoot forever, sharing grainy photographs and spooky stories about things howling and crunching in the pitch-black forest, but most people don’t believe it’s real. In fact, according to a poll by Chapman University, something like 80 percent of Americans think Bigfoot is a myth. (Which also means 20 percent think it’s real, which is nuts, but stick with me for a second.) Imagine if we all had woken up today and checked the news and realized that something like four out of five people — over 250 million Americans — believed to be fake was actually real, and it was proven by the star of The Grinder. (“People say Bigfoot is a myth… but what if it wasn’t?”) (I miss The Grinder so much.) Imagine getting a push notification on your phone that said “Bigfoot discovered in Northern California by actor Rob Lowe.” Imagine clicking on a link and seeing a picture of him posing with Bigfoot. Imagine your face.

What would you do? How could you even proceed with your day if Rob Lowe proved the existence of Bigfoot? You’d have to question everything. Allison Janney might discover the Loch Ness Monster. Bradley Whitford might find a mermaid washed up on the beach in Malibu. Nothing would be off the table.

Also, and this last thing isn’t the most important aspect but it’s still worth noting: If Rob Lowe discovered Bigfoot, that would be the thing history remembers him for. Not the acting. It would be like how people remember Reagan for being the president instead of for starring in a bunch of movies. It would be in the headline of his obituary whenever he passes away. “Rob Lowe, The Man Who Discovered Bigfoot, Dead At 94.” Parks and Recreation might not even make the first three paragraphs. And people by then would think that’s perfectly normal. Think about that.

Think about a world where Rob Lowe discovered Bigfoot.

Think about it a lot.

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