‘Ted Lasso’ Power Rankings: Colorful New Shirts For Some, Food Fights For Others

The Ted Lasso Power Rankings are a weekly analysis of who and/or what had the strongest performance in each episode. Most of the list will feature individual characters, although the committee does reserve the right to honor anything from animals to inanimate objects to laws of nature to general concepts. There are very few rules here.

Season 3, Episode 10 — “International Break”

HONORABLE MENTION: Nate (the redemption tour continues apace but it’s tough to crack the top ten when you spent half an episode hiding under blankets); Sam (tough week for Sam but he’s a good man); Dani Rojas (did not enjoy Evil Dani); Jade (would pay good money to see her deal with airport staff on her trip); Higgins (spilled tea on his wiener, not ideal); Madeline Kahn (a treasure); Ted (terrible at gossip); tea (do not think I would enjoy having it spit in my face); Trent Crimm (got Beard to reveal his hometown, which is definitely going in the book); Rupert (DO NOT HUMANIZE RUPERT); Van Damme (made a save with his nose); Renee the Sewer Man (need to know everything about him); Dan (generally not good to have an internal ranking of bosses by hotness); Willy Wonka (should be in prison); Rupert’s new assistant Ms. Bread (MS. BREAD); David Hockney (a very talented little boy); Will Kitman (also a very talented little boy)

10. (tie) Keeley (LAST WEEK: Unranked)

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Keeley:

  • Lost funding for her company
  • Cried about it
  • Continued being ghosted by Jack for a while
  • Got day-drunk about it
  • Got her funding back thanks to Rebecca, which was nice, as I assume having a billionaire friend is, in general
  • Hooked up with Roy again after he wrote an illegible note

Busy week for Keeley.

10. (tie) Mae (LAST WEEK: 4)

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Mae has been running the bar for 40 years. She’s out here giving advice and pouring drinks and being everything you want out of a bartender. She knows that sad skinny girls passed out in her pub is bad for business. Mae fascinates me.

I know we only have a few episodes left and I know I make this point every week, but it would be really funny if the show devoted one of its final hours ever to a decade-spanning history of Mae and her little Richmond pub. I want to see a young Mae running hooligans out of the bar with a cricket bat. Older Mae, too. I’ll settle for a five-minute montage, but it better be set to something rowdy. Dropkick Murphys, maybe. Let’s all sleep on it.

9. “Red Right Hand” by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds (LAST WEEK: Unranked)

Two things going on here, both true…

THING NUMBER ONE: This song has been massively overused in shows and movies for a scene where a dark and mysterious figure enters a room or town or whatever, thanks mostly to Peaky Blinders using it as the opening credits music, which usually features one or more cigarette-puffing dudes in long black coats striding straight toward the camera, usually in slow motion.

THING NUMBER TWO: It’s been overused because it’s a perfect song for that exact situation and I did enjoy them twisting it a bit for Roy and his loud tie-dye shirt.

I’m gonna play it in my car really loud when I pull into the supermarket parking lot this weekend. Just so people know. And then I’m going to spend like $30 on ice cream and junk food and ruin my new tough image. But I’ll have ice cream and junk food then. A fair trade.

8. Barbara the CFO (LAST WEEK: Unranked)

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She’s a sweet woman. Don’t let her trick you into thinking otherwise. I hope she and Keeley start going to happy hour at Mae’s together. I hope she starts dating… oh, let’s say Dani Rojas. I would like to see that conversation over dinner. Dani would love her snow globe collection.

7. Sam Richardson (LAST WEEK: Unranked)

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Some notes here:

  • I love whenever Sam Richardson shows up to play Edwin because I love Sam Richardson and I enjoy getting to see him play a villain for once
  • The man is just absurdly talented, and please go back and watch his accent work in the scene where he revealed that he booked all the fake reservations at Sam’s restaurant himself, which is funny because the character is a billionaire and could have easily paid people to do it if he wasn’t having so much fun
  • Yet another reminder that Ted Lasso opened up a weird little wormhole the other week where the show Ted Lasso might exist inside the universe of Ted Lasso, which remains very funny to me

I wish I had seen that food fight at the end.

6. Roy (LAST WEEK: 2)

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Roy wears colorful shirts now. It’s fine. Sometimes he rips them off and spikes them down on a parking lot and drives off topless but then he doubles back to get them. That’s fine, too. There’s growth happening here. Slow growth, yes, of course. But growth. And he finally, at long last, with the help of a foul-mouthed school teacher who was flirting poorly with him, realized the mistake he made with Keeley. I don’t know if they’re back together for real but they are definitely bonking a little, which is nice for both of them after this little run of despair. Full-on rom-com hours over there. Good for Roy.

5. Getting a little day-drunk every now and then (LAST WEEK: Unranked)

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There are drawbacks to this, of course. It’s never fun when the buzz starts wearing off at like 4pm and you’re faced with the “go take a nap and screw up your sleep for the night” vs. “continue drinking and risk a night of terrible decisions” conundrum. And I do not really recommend getting wrecked alone at a bar while the sun is out because you are sad about something. That’s not great.

But still. Once in a while, maybe on one of the first Sunny Saturdays of the spring, maybe if you round up a few friends and find a little place with tables outside or a beach bar or a fun little section of town with bars and shops and stuff, it can be a good time. Keep it under control, though. A few drinks. You don’t wanna be the sloppy mess bumbling around a busy sidewalk while people are going about their day.

There’s a fine line with day-drinking. I trust you all to dance it responsibly.

4. Jamie Tartt (LAST WEEK: Unranked)

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Jamie:

  • Is Roy’s best friend now
  • Has really great hair this season
  • Wore 24 in his first match with the national team as a shoutout to Sam getting snubbed from the Nigerian team for bribe-related reasons, which was really just a very sweet and cute thing to do, especially for Jamie

Good for Jamie.

3. Rebecca (LAST WEEK: 5)

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Rebecca’s big speech at the end was equal parts wonderful and unrealistic, a stirring come-to-Jesus moment for a group of billionaires that I do not for one second believe would ever happen. Good for her, though. And good for her for funding Keeley’s business, even if, like, she could have been doing that from the start, apparently? I don’t know. But extra super good for her for rejecting Rupert’s little smoochy face. Rebecca is a good egg.

Two notes in closing:

  • The strategy of picturing scary people as little children is actually a very good one and something I plan to do if I ever get, like, audited or sued, as long as I can keep myself from saying “ awwww you’re just a wittle guy” to a high-powered attorney
  • There was a really good thing in here — advice from Higgins, who still remained unranked mostly because I had to dock all those points for spilling hot tea on his crotch — about how the reason you’re invited into a powerful room (in this case, her being a woman and adding a splash of diversity) is less important than the fact that you’re in the room at all, and to take advantage of the opportunity regardless of why you got it

But mostly, I really must insist that you do not audit or sue me.

2. Phoebe (LAST WEEK: Unranked)

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Charging Roy and his friends one pound per cuss is going to make her a millionaire by age 16. I want to see her pull up to school in a chauffeured Rolls-Royce she paid for entirely with her swear jar. She’s a brilliant businesswoman. She might end up buying Richmond from Rebecca someday.

1. Coach Beard (LAST WEEK: 7)

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Peoria!!!

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