‘Ted Lasso’ Power Rankings: Surprising Hookups, Surprising Exits, And Divine Baklava

The Ted Lasso Power Rankings are a weekly analysis of who and/or what had the strongest performance in each episode. Most of the list will feature individual characters, although the committee does reserve the right to honor anything from animals to inanimate objects to laws of nature to general concepts. There are very few rules here.

Season 3, Episode 5 — “Signs”

HONORABLE MENTION: Jamie (I worry that the show has no clue what to do with Jamie right now but I do appreciate everyone giving him a word like “negativit-eh” to pronounce every week); Trent Crimm (the man is getting some primo content for his book); Dani Rojas (I do not like to see him sad); Isaac (he’s kind of like the team mom, which is nice); fingernails (“What’s that about?”): Chris and Arlo, the announcers (having goofy announcers as comic relief is basically just a cliche after Bob Uecker in Major League, but I still love these guys); Dr. Wagner (maybe don’t text patients “have important results, will call after the game”); apology raps (if you bully me, please do not do a rap about it in front of everyone); lamb poop (sour); Ms. Kakes (need to know much more about her someday); Barbara the CFO (need to know what was in that drawer); John Wingsnight and Jessica Darling (leave Anthony Hopkins alone, JOHN WINGSNIGHT))

10. Rebecca (LAST WEEK: 3)

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Her team is on a massive losing streak, she’s getting advice about maybe firing Ted and then having awkward little interactions with him in the hallways, she’s seeing all kinds of weird signs out in the world that are making her think that crazy psychic was right, she has baby fever and is making appointments about it with soccer-crazed doctors, and she can’t talk to her best friend about is because said best friend is making out with rich ladies in the office after slugging warm desk vodka from the bottle.

Other than that, solid week for Rebecca.

9. Zava (LAST WEEK: 7)

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ON ONE HAND: He’s a self-important bozo who goes on long-winded speeches about teamwork and loving his wife and is the kind of person who has just generally convinced himself that he’s smart because he is so very good at doing one thing that he’s been able to carve away anyone in his life who would be able to grab him by his little ponytail and shout “HEY, KNOCK IT OFF” into his perfectly angular face.

ON THE OTHER HAND: I would very much like to see him running his little avocado farm, maybe as a web series or an entire spinoff. I really hope the farm is in England. I enjoy the idea of Zava standing there in the middle of a field giving inspirational speeches to soil that is just straight-up geologically not-suited to grow a tropical crop.

8. Higgins (LAST WEEK: Unranked)

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In a way, this explains so much.

7. Nate/Jade (LAST WEEK: 5/Unranked)

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A few notes on this little piece of business:

  • I do not know if I like the show humanizing Jade in this way, and this quickly, if only because I enjoyed her a lot in those short bits as a cold and slightly dense hostess
  • I would like to know how long Nate sat there by himself at the window table after Anastasia left, because it seemed like kind of a long time, like at least from appetizers through dessert, which is really just very humiliating on a number of levels
  • I got extremely hungry while watching this scene, which was, I suspect, not the emotion they intended to inspire when they all sat down to create it, although this is probably one of those things that says more about me than the show

Still… very cute. Good for these two. I hope they have four awkward little children who are mean and also spit sometimes. Maybe not the spitting. I’ll think about it.

6. Keeley/Jack (LAST WEEK: Unranked/8)

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I suppose this is where I should do a big thing about the ethics of hooking up with your big investor and/or boss after a night of chugging vodka and cleaning up lamb poop, or maybe about how it’s a little weird how the show just kind of bounces Keeley from relationship to relationship and how — even as it became obvious from the body language on the couch — it struck me as odd that she’s just up and hooking up with Jack now (UPDATE: someone did just remind me that her potentially being bi was covered a little back in season one, but largely pushed aside for a while, so maybe not that odd… whoops)…

… but mostly I just want to point out how massively ineffective the privacy screen on her office is if you can see straight through it to watch a couple of silhouettes start making out. A set of regular-ass blinds or curtains would work better than that. This is one of those things where we went ahead and invented ourselves backwards. Someone should be fired. Hopefully, they don’t have access to farm animals.

5. Ted (LAST WEEK: 2)

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The team can’t win a game. The fans are shouting a lot. His bosses are openly yelling at him and kind of discussing the process of moving on from him as coach. His kid is bullying some poor sap named Doug — not a lot of kids named Doug these days — and getting advice about handling it from his wife’s new boyfriend who was also their marriage counselor. The best player on the team just kind of surprise-retired to go be a farmer. Not ideal, on paper.

AND YET

You saw the speech at the end. You saw him shut down that feedback sound that usually signals a panic attack is en route. It feels like the classic moment in any sports movie where things are at their darkest and most hopeless just before they turn around. This is, weirdly, where Ted tends to shine. He still knows squat about soccer, and he’s maybe not the best tactician at any sport he coaches, but the man can do inspiration. That’s his whole deal. I don’t know if it’ll all work out, like, victory-wise. I do not think they’ll win the championship this year. But they’ll pull out of whatever this is. That’s… something.

4. Making a big scene when you get fired (LAST WEEK: Unranked)

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I mean, yes, Shandy was rightfully fired. And, sure, this was kind of just the “WHO’S COMING WITH ME?” thing Jim Breuer did in Half Baked with more swearing and hair. But…

Like…

I don’t know. I’ve never made a scene when I left a job and it looks kind of fun. The closest I ever came was when I was a teenage cashier at a grocery store and the manager told me I had to stay late because they were short-staffed and I had plans that night so was like “Nope” and just split. I could have gotten on the intercom and played around a little. I knew the code to use it from the register. That would’ve been fun.

We all have regrets.

3. Mae (LAST WEEK: Unranked)

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Runs a tight ship.

2. Roy (LAST WEEK: 9)

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A few Roy notes:

  • His little monologue about handling bullies was so dark and so much longer than I expected and maybe the hardest I’ve laughed at anything so far this entire season
  • I hope Trent transcribed the entire thing and includes it in the chapter about Roy
  • I enjoyed how everyone in the office started doing playfully little monkey noises and Roy did a chest-pounding gorilla grunt

Take a second today and picture Roy’s face when he finds out that the woman he appears to have regrets about dumping is now hooking up with attractive wealthy ladies at work. That’s a fun little visual for you.

1. Coach Beard (LAST WEEK: 1)

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You know, you think you’ve finally peeled back most of the layers of the onion on a guy and then he just up and reveals he used to perform at a strip club named Man City. It makes sense, I guess, given the things we know about him already, including his love of discos and nightlife and hula hoops and…

Wait a second.

Do you think he…

With the hula hoop…

At Man City…

Hmm. A lot to consider here.

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