Dating sucks. Possibly now more than ever. Not only do you have to contend with all the different apps on the market, but you’re also at risk of being ghosted, benched, or breadcrumbed before you actually find someone you like. It can all leave you this close to going on Facebook and writing a strongly worded rant about the state of love in the 21st century (don’t do that; we’ll explain why later).
It’s no wonder that some of us get desperate when it feels like we’ve matched with someone who could potentially be a soulmate (or at least Netflix & Chill mate). So we double text, and then we triple text, and then we send an unsolicited dick pic (please stop). And you know what happens after that? The object of our desire, the person we knew was the one, based on the killer string of Archer quotes in her bio or how good he looked in his profile pic, blocks us and brands us as ‘thirsty.’
Ugh. While the reason a relationship doesn’t work out depends on a variety of factors, the only one you can change in this equation is you. So we spoke to Alessandra Conti, celebrity matchmaker and co-founder of Matchmakers In The City about how to step back, take a breath, and make sure that you’re not constantly striking out due to all your unslaked thirst. And considering that Conti refers to this time of year as uncuffing season — when people break up just in time for a new summer relationship — following these tips could be the difference between starting something fun or spending another July complaining about the sad state of dating.
Haven’t met yet? Be conservative with your texting.
It’s hard to imagine that anyone would hate getting a message every morning reminding them that they’re beautiful and deserve the best day anyone has ever had, but Conti says that unless you’re already dating, the good morning, good afternoon, and good night texts have got to go.
“You haven’t met this person yet,” Conti says, “and you’re already saying ‘good morning beautiful, how’s your day going? Tell me about your trip to Whole Foods. Tell me everything.’ It’s too much too soon.”
“If you’re too much too soon,” Conti adds, “girls are going to be like, ‘Okay, who is this guy? I haven’t even met him yet.” You can work up to that a couple dates in, but when you haven’t even met the girl or if you’ve only been on one date, it’s like, this is Thirst City here. You have to calm it down a bit.’
Conti knows you get excited and hate to play games, but appearing chill is a key element of making sure that you don’t scare potential partners off. Yeah, it’s hard to rein in your interest, but it’s also an important part of the dating game. Not only does it prevent your interactions from feeling too pushy — imagine if someone was texting you non-stop — but it also allows the relationship to keep an air of mystery, something that Conti can’t overstate the importance of.
Don’t be too physical on the first date.
“The biggest thirsty thing a person can do is be aggressively physical on the first date,” Conti says. “If you’re being overly sexual on the first date, if you’re trying to get [your date] to make out or touching beyond what a normal physical interaction on the first date would be, that is not okay.” For women in particular, Conti says, that’s a huge red flag.
Even more importantly: If a date isn’t feeling you, a date isn’t feeling you. Conti says that while you can absolutely make an effort, telling a date that he’s “taking a while” to warm up isn’t going to do anyone any favors. Even if you’re just an overly affectionate person, remember that actions are interpreted differently on a date (because of the romantic pressure), so hold back on the hugs and shoulder rubs until it’s clear that it’s cool.
Don’t overthink the date.
If you’ve ever watched The Bachelor, you already know that the show is iconic for its elaborate (and completely impractical) dream dates. It’s like the idea of drinks and small plates (Conti’s recommendation for your first outing) doesn’t even exist. Instead, the contestants ride horses, bungee jump, and rain flower petals on their ladies as some band from the ’80s plays in the background. You may be tempted to do the same thing, but, Conti says, it doesn’t work in real life.
“It’s a red flag! Because it’s feels like someone is trying to fill this empty space,” Conti says. “The expectation is so high!”
“I have a bachelorette and she went out with this really cute guy,” Conti continues. “She was exactly what he was looking for, but he was so thirsty. He was like the definition. He planned a date where he was going to have his car pick her up. He over planned and she got nervous. She got scared. She got freaked out. She was like, “This guy doesn’t know me.” I talked to her on the phone and I was like, ‘No, he’s a really good guy. I promise.’ And she said, “No. He doesn’t know me. I have flaws. Don’t put me on a pedestal just yet.”
Big gestures? Save them for later dates. Once you already know a little bit about the person you’re seeing then you’ll be able to tell if they can handle fireworks and a Dave Matthews Band reunion. For Date #1 just keep it casual and the expectations low. Drinks, dinner, conversation? Fine. A multi-stage date that lasts eight hours? Absolutely not. (And it’s happened, Conti says. One of her clients planned a four-phase date and the date had to tap out before they even got to stage three.)
Consistent availability is the straightest path to rejection.
This is controversial but bear with us. In your everyday life, being available is often seen as a positive character trait. Your boss loves it when you email back immediately, your friends are delighted when you respond within minutes, and your parents can’t stop telling people what a great kid you are, always texting hello and letting them know when you’re not dead. That’s great, but it’s different in dating!
“If you’re dating a guy and he’s like, ‘What are you up to tonight? What are you up to tomorrow night? What are you up to the next night?” You’re cutting out the element of mystery,” Conti says. “People are attractive because of that element of mystery. We’re all like ‘okay, if [this person] isn’t free. What are they doing?’ It’s really about pulling back a little bit. It’s about saying ‘I have plans, but I would love to see you on Saturday.’ Making that plan for a couple days in advance.”
Here’s why this is important: Whether you want to believe it or not, when someone is always available it doesn’t just translate to someone realizing they really like you. Because we are all insecure human beings, instead of thinking “hey, this person must really like me,” we (men and women) start wondering why that person can hang out within ten minutes’ notice on a Saturday night. “Don’t they have friends?” we ask ourselves, “don’t they have hobbies?” It sucks, but there’s research to back it up. And, unfortunately, you’re not going to change it all on your own. It’s not even a game, it’s just human nature. (You can be frustrated by this, of course, and that’s cool, but that doesn’t mean things will change and you definitely shouldn’t complain about the response time to the person you’re texting. That just creates more awkwardness.)
How long should you wait to text back? Conti says that half an hour is probably fine. If you want to wait until the evening to respond to a text you got that afternoon, that’s cool, too. You don’t have to (and shouldn’t) wait a week to text back, but creating a little bit of uncertainty isn’t the same thing as dishonesty.
Don’t go on a rant. Ever.
If you’ve ever felt like there are no good partners left anymore and you need to let the world know that dating sucks and love is over because no one respects nice people anymore, Conti says you need to stop and reconsider before posting it. That goes double if you’re about to send a tirade like that to a potential match — one who hasn’t written back yet — with the intention of either letting them know what trash they are or guilting them into liking you back.
“Think about the objective,” Conti says. “If you need a therapist, you gotta go to therapy. Dating is not therapy. You had a bad date, it didn’t go as planned, and the person doesn’t want to go out with you again. No worries; on to the next. Learn from that. Learn from it. Take those notes. Woe is me is not sexy. Woe is me, that’s the least sexy thing possible. It really, really is.”
For the Fellas: If you’re sending dick pics without a request, you’ve already lost.
Listen, dick pics aren’t universally bad. Sometimes people will want to see the goods and be impressed by both your positioning and the artistic lighting you use to give them the full effect of your magnificent member. But unless someone’s asked for a dick pic, and unless it’s been clearly understood that the request isn’t a joke, sending a dick pic is the quickest way to be tossed out of the running to be America’s next top one night stand.
“I don’t get why they send them,” Conti says,”it’s totally disgusting. Maybe it works for one out of 200 women, but it’s totally wrong.” And even if it does work once in a while, Conti believes that the odds of getting hit with a rejection aren’t worth it. And if you’ve already been rejected? Well, then, absolutely keep your dick pic safely on your phone. Women know that the final dick pick is more a “fuck you” than a “baby, come back” and it’s not going to win anyone over. If you’ve already been rejected on the basis of personality, it’s safe to say that no amount of pipe is going to change your intended’s mind.
And even as a “fuck you” it’s creepy and aggressive. If someone’s not into you, just assume that they’re not into seeing your dick, no matter how nice-looking others have told you it is.
