08.20.09 9 years ago 10 Comments

(Serious Cat knows the truth, Clive)

*checks Flavor Flav clock necklace*

Well I’ll be damned, it’s that time of the week again! Time for me to introduce yet another movie trailer that will turn your significant other sterile. In this installment, I proudly introduce The Boys Are Back, from director Scott Hicks, starring Clive Owen and some kids with accents.

*lowers needle on Thin Lizzy record*

Now be sure to keep your eyes peeled here and do not let yourself fall for Owen’s usual charismatic tricks. Dude is trouble and I’ll tell you why after the jump:

Holy sh-t, did you see that? At the thirty-four second mark Clive Owen says “My God you are beautiful” to his wife and then BAM: chick drops to the floor like she needs to sh-t glass. Coincidence? Doubtful. Murder? Most definitely. And now, if I may direct the jury’s attention to Exhibit B, I’ll show who was next on Mr. Owen’s hit list. Please note the number of times that Clive attempts to rid himself of his youngest son:

  1. (1:42) allows him to cannonball into a shallow, porcelain tub
  2. (1:57) convinces him to ride on the hood of a car doing 50
  3. (2:00) makes him zip line from 80 feet up in a tree
  4. (2:10) forces him to hydroplane drunk through a flooded street

Dad of the year? I think not. Financial genius of the millennium? Most definitely. Members of the jury, what have we all learned here today? That life insurance pays. Yup, that’s right. Clive Owen kills his wife with five words and then takes aim for his smallest son. And what did he hope to gain from all this? Well that’s easy: Cash. Money. Hoes. Jets. Rap music.

I rest my case. *drops microphone and exits courtroom*


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