Michael Bay producing Hansel & Gretel 3DEEEZ NUTZ

Senior Editor
07.21.10 22 Comments

Michael Bay and his production company (not the one that makes crappy horror remakes) is set to produce a 3D, FX-driven action film based on Hansel and Gretel.  If that idea sounds familiar, it’s because Will Ferrell and Adam McKay announced they’d be teaming up with the Død Snø guys for Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters about a year ago.  I wouldn’t worry, I’m sure this one will be much more generic.  From the press release [via ScreenJunkies]

“Hansel and Gretel in 3D” is an action packed visual FX filled version of the classic Grimm Brothers’ fairytale. In addition to the infamous witch in the gingerbread house, the film showcases the legendary creatures of German mythology. These Teutonic beings will be designed by Joseph C. Pepe, the lead character designer from Avatar. The film is live action. The movie is being produced by The Institute and Kalliope Films. The Institute was co-founded by Michael Bay and Scott Gardenhour.  The movie is scheduled for a spring 2011 shoot on location in Germany.

God I love press releases. “Hey, Marge, what’s another word for ‘German people’?  Ooh, ‘Teutonic beings’, that’s good.”  And if that wasn’t generic-sounding enough, check out The Insitute’s mission statement (also stunningly generic: it’s called ‘The Institute’):

Their unique model employs consumer engagement, marketing, production, financing, and distribution, resulting in marketing and entertainment products that correspond with consumer demand.

GRR, ACTION WORDS!  You see, it’s a unique business model. Because first, they attempt to get the attention of people who will buy stuff from them. Then, they spend money to produce stuff to sell. Then they ship those things to places where those people can buy them.  HOLY SH*T THIS IS A F*CKING GAME CHANGER!  MULTI-PLATFORM ANALOG AND E-COMMERCE INTERFACE BUSINESS SYNERJIZZING WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!  MAKE ME A POWER POINT PRESENTATION AT ONCE!

Conclusion: This movie is going to be awesome.

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