01.26.10 8 years ago 35 Comments

(Meet Kim: the resident, fraternity dojo ho)

F–k me, I can already hear the Mitsubishi car stereos coming up the block. In what seems like another elaborate NBC-funded, Conan O’Brien finale sketch, Bloody Disgusting reports that Warner Bros. is looking to reboot its Mortal Kombat franchise. Freshly acquired last summer, Warner Bros. hopes to attach Mortal Kombat with 2009 black list screenwriter, Oren Uziel.

Now for those of you fledgeling readers out there wondering what the hell a Mortal Kombat is, allow me to reiterate: it’s essentially the arcade video game that nearly gave me sun allergies in 1992; a highly popular button masher, which pitted contenders against each other in a round-by-round battle for the fate of Earth (*exhales bong rip* heavy, right?). The game was so popular that in 1995 Mortal Kombat birthed a motion picture deal and even followed suite in ’97 with a sequel, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

Pretty much everything you need to know is explained in the first eleven words of the original trailer:

“In each of us, there burns the fury of a warrior…” (is it just me or does that sound like gay, rest stop code for trucker drivers? -Ed.)

Look, there are a lot of things from 1995 that I miss: laserdiscs, my grandparents, women’s suffrage…sh-t, even Lyle Lovett gets to hang out on my list. Mind you that in ’95 I was a boner-sporting, eleven-year-old white kid with recessive genes and a Sega Genesis console (pretty much the exact demographic for the franchise) and still I knew that the concept of a video game transcending to the big screen was pretty half-baked. Yeah, that’s right, I’m a genius, a genius who only recently realized that there isn’t a g–damn “K” in the actual word “combat”. F–k you, dictionary.


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