Senior Editor
11.19.09 28 Comments

(“Take me, you greasy ethnic beast!  Of course, if anyone finds out I’ll have to say it was rape.”)

Did anyone here think Twilight Saga: New Moon was going to be good?  Of course not.  The best thing you could say was that there’s less Cam Gigandet in this one.  But realistic expectations aren’t the point, the point is to bathe in the delicious, delicious hate.  Ahh, it feels so good in my gills.

“The Twilight Saga: New Moon” takes the tepid achievement of “Twilight” (1988), guts it, and leaves it for undead [That’s wordplay, motherf-cker!  Ebert represent! -Ed.]. You know you’re in trouble with a sequel when the word of mouth advises you to see the first movie twice instead.  Obviously the characters all have. Long opening stretches of this film make utterly no sense unless you walk in knowing the first film, and hopefully both Stephanie Meyer novels, by heart. Edward and Bella spend murky moments glowering at each other and thinking, So, here we are again.

Bella: So…you’re a werewolf?
Jake: Last time I checked.
Bella: “Can’t you find a way to…just stop?
Jake (patiently): “It’s not a lifestyle choice, Bella.”
Roger Ebert

Director Chris Weitz proves that “The Golden Compass” was no fluke: He really is a non-master of action. –NY Post

Bella is, as established by these films, almost wholly unlikable on every level.  She’s selfish.  Sullen.  She has no interest in anyone else unless it’s this sort of lightning-flash-all-or-nothing romantic interest.  The entire character feels like it’s underwritten so completely almost on purpose, like doing that will leave room for the target audience of teenage girls to project themselves into the fantasy without any messy character development to get in the way. –HitFix

This character Weitz is a little bit of a hack, and his movie is worse [than the first one].  Bella: probably the most boring and bland protagonist in any franchise I’ve ever seen.  You know why the vampires can’t read her thoughts?  Because there are no thoughts!  She’s boring as hell! –UGO

I don’t, like… (long pause) blame KStew.  It’s just that… (*stares at floor*) making movies… is, like… (longer pause) really hard… (*meaningful glance*) you know?   (*bites lip, plays with hair*)

Abstinence parable?  More like abstinence unBEARable!  (*squirts crotch with seltzer*)

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