It seems like all the creature movie trailers hit around the same time, so I’m combining them into one post to create a new, horrifying monster that I will now go ass to mouth with.
The Human Centipede (The First Sequence)
Finally, the ass-to-mouth human centipede movie we’ve all been waiting for. The short answer is that a German scientist connects the esophagus of one person to the anus of another to make three or four people share the same digestive tract like a centipede*. Why does he do this, you ask? Dude, have you ever met a German? Oh sure, but my pitch for a Daisy Chain movie was “too graphic”. Whatever, man, kids gotta learn. Anyway, Human Centipede gets a limited theatrical run at the end of this month. Director Tom Six, a Dutchman making his first English-language feature, calls his film “100% medically accurate.” I don’t know how you’d know that unless there was an honest-to-god, ass-to-mouth human centipede walking around out there. That centipede’s name? You guessed it, Danny Masterson. [Pajiba via Bloody-Disgusting]
Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley (Ronna from Go, who has apparently been hibernating for the last six years) play scientists who create a new life form using something called “DNA”. Haha, sure, buddy, whatever you say. While it looks like your basic Sci-Fi… er, SyFy channel original, it played the midnight series at Sundance to mostly positive reviews. Then again, so did Buried, and take it from me, that was mucusy skidmark of a movie that should only be used as corporal punishment. Opens June 4th.
Resident Evil: Afterlife
If my figures are correct, this is either the second or third or twelfth Resident Evil movie. Hey, whatever keeps Milla Jovovich off the streets. Also, if you see her out, take it from me, don’t keep holding your driver’s license up to your face and asking, “Multi-pass multi-pass?” She really hates that. Anyway, judging by the trailer, it’s almost as if they want us to know it’s in 3D or something. Meaning they’ve added a whole new dimension of Resident Evil movie for me to not see.
*Note: This is may not be fully accurate in terms of how centipedes actually work.