Yo Girl, Get Funky Wit Dis Junkie

Senior Writer
05.18.10 24 Comments

Yo girl, I gots bad news for you, right? I’m a heroin addict, boo. I’m junkie like a mutha, suck yo d*ck for some bomb big harry, son. Yeah, that’s right, you gots to worry ‘bout the C-Tate, cousin. I be all pukin’ up in here cuz I’m goin’ through wiffdrawal, heard. Sh*t’s gonna get real up in this bitch, like my skin is crawlin’ and I can’t dance no more cuz the demons be eatin’ my soul, chuch. Yo girl, will you be there for me and help C-Tate get his schwerve back, holler for real?

Haha, just kiddin’, you dumb beeyotch. C-Tate ain’t mess with the junk, girl. I be actin’ for my new role in What’s Left of Us, based on Richie Farrell’s word book. Yo, that ain’t the Anchorman dude, baby drawers. I ain’t like the Will Ferrell, not like my man Ashton Kutcher, yo. He’s the comedy, for realz, A-Kutch ya heard!

Share some needles wif me, Deadline:

The Dear John heartthrob and G.I. Joe action figure will star in What’s Left of Us, based on Richie Farrell’s novel, which the author is adapting for the screen. Based on a true story, Tatum will play a heroin addict going through 7 excruciating days in detox. Farrell knows the subject well: he sold the documentary High On Crack Street to HBO.

Yo girl, this is the C-Tate’s big time, proper. I’mma be all like, “Yo girl, I like to thank the Academy for steppin’ off my nut sack, right? Cuz you ain’t handle Tate’s flava, naw girl. I’m like, thankful to Jesus and my mama, respek to the top. All you other whack ass actors, like Tom Hanks? More like Tom Spanks my black ass. Brad Pitt? More like Brad Ain’t Sh*t! I’m the real deal, son! RUFF! RUFF! YOU AIN’T GOT THIS STYLE, SON, WHAT!”

And like, Angie Jolie be all, Yo C-Tate I saw yo abs up on stage and I wanna grind wit you, haha. I be all like, I can get down girl, but you gots to get wit the Lucy Liu and Penelophy Cruzes, like United Nations gangbang, represent. But I ain’t adoptin’ no babies, girl. I hope you kept them receipts, ya heard?

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