It’s another gorgeous Sunday here in Los Angeles, but the city’s attention is focused on two major events Sunday night: Game 2 of the NBA Finals between the Boston Celtics and the LA Lakers and the 2010 MTV Movie Awards. And, of course, they are airing opposite each other no doubt causing torn allegiances among Hollywood’s celebrity elite. Do they go to Staples Center for the Finals or trek to Universal City for the “New Moon” vs. “Avatar” battle on MTV? Your guess is as good as mine, but we’re going to do our best to present a candid play by play of the annual MTV event. And if you don’t know who host Aziz Ansari, well unless you’ve seen “Funny People” or “Parks and Recreation,” don’t worry about it.
Tom Cruise returns as “Tropic Thunder” producer Les Grossman in a very funny skit with Will Smith and his son Jaden Smith in a nice promo for “The Karate Kid.”
Here comes host Aziz Ansari in a “you’ve seen it before” montage of scenes from all the nominated movies. “Blind Side,” “Precious” and then — Justin Bieber shows up and blow dries his hair. And then Justin introduces Aziz who appears live. OK, well at least the Grossman stuff was funny.
Aziz starts his routine telling us how much he loves 3-D. Makes an observation that “Julie and Julia” looks more “real” than “Avatar,” “Clash of the Titans” and “Alice and Wonderland.” Cute. Segues to James Cameron’s pitch for “Avatar” which includes an unlikely “that dude ‘s gonna [expletive] someone in the tail.”
Look who’s in the audience! It’s all three “Twilight Saga” stars: Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner. Turns out Aziz is on Team Edward. Funny bit of how unrealistic “New Moon” is. And…that’s…it…
Here comes the “Grown Ups” cast, Kevin James, Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, David Spade and Robert Schneider. David Spade is the only funny one of the bunch mocking his need to have to date women under 24. Now, the nominees for BEST FEMALE PERFORMANCE. And the winner is…
Kristen Stewart, “New Moon”
Not a big surprise. “I guess ‘Twilight’ is really awesome and I agree. I want to talk to Chris and I haven’t talked to him in a while. I’m gonna peace out and thank you so much!’
Here comes the recently out of jail T.I. from the upcoming August dump, um, release “Takers.” He’s here to remind you it’s not to late to text to vote for Best Movie.
Russell Brand, P. Diddy and Jonah Hill appear to present Breakout Star. Diddy rips his ‘Greek’ co-stars for their Team Edward/Team Jacob argument. Brand says, ‘It’s like the East Coast/West Coast battle you went through.” And the winner is…(after lots of bleeping and swearing)
Anna Kendrick, “Up in the Air”
“I am not cool enough to win an MTV Movie Award. This is the coolest moment ever. This is going on my coffee table.” And you can thank the “Twilight” fans for you win, but you deserve it Anna!
Here comes Ed Helms and Ken Jeong doing a pretty pathetic musical number — a tribute to their megahit “The Hangover.” And, just in time to stop the interpretive dance from getting any worse, Grossman appears on the big screen(s) to insult and scream at the two comedy stars for ruining his show. He warned them! So…
Tom Cruise shows up as Grossman – in person on stage! And here comes Ludacris too. And he provides him a beat. And before you know it, Tom is doing his dance number from “Tropic Thunder” from the summer of 2008. Wouldn’t this have been cooler and funnier on last year’s show? Oh, wait. Here comes someone else who needs help with their careeer! Jennifer Lopez. And the duo perform a dance number together. And J-Lo slaps Cruise’s ass. Explosions. Back up dancers. Katie Holmes happy in the audience. J-Lo gives a “you know it” nod. Standing ovation. Careers saved? Um….
[Note: Cruise is only doing this Grossman character — a year late — because he’s got “Knight and Day” opening in a few weeks. Good luck Tommy boy!]
Paul Rudd and Steve Carell are here to present the best SCARED AS S*** PERFORMANCE with very little back and forth. And the winner is…
Amanda Seyfried, “Jennfier’s Boy.”
Surprise. Who thinks teenage girls dominated the voting this year? Seyfriend realizes she really shouldn’t have won saying, “Um, see I had a really good time making a movie and even though not a lot of peope saw it, I’m really proud of this. Thanks fans.”
A sneak peek at “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Pt. 1” Very dramatic. Lots of running in a forest and the telling line “You really don’t stand a chance.” Oooh, scary.
Ahem, Anna Kendrick loves her boyfriend and “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World” director Edgar Wright way too much. That gum commercial for potty mouths was not befitting an Oscar nominee. (It wasn’t that creative either).
Aziz returns to introduce Jessica Biel and Bradley Cooper her to promote “The A-Team.” They are here to present BEST KISS. “Don’t get excited, Bradley….” Biel isn’t kissing him. And if a show isn’t work well? The Kiss Cam can always make you feel good. It ends with The Situation chasing Clark Duke out of the audience…
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, “New Moon”
Eh, thought “Runaways” combo of Stewart and Fanning could win, but nope. It’ a repeat! “I guess the thing to do is we’re going to have to kiss?” They then mock the award by saying they need “smoke and mirrors” to get it right. The bit ends with the “are they or aren’t they” couple barely kissing as Pattinson goes in or a smooch and Stewart runs way.
Jason Segel and Miranda Cosgrove. Segel is pretty funny as a little over-eager fan of Miranda’s “iCarly” show. They are here to introduce Katy Perry and Snoop Dogg who are performing “California Girls.”
What did Perry share with us? She’s an impressive singer live. She can enter a number while singing on a surfboard lowered from the stage. She’s tanner than any of her back-up ancers. Oh, and she really can’t dance. I haven’t seen a singer this stiff since Mariah Carey in her “Vision of Love” days. Eek. Snoop on the other hand gives it his best, but he seems a little uncomfortable in the Disney-esque number, but hey, it’s a paycheck.
Aziz then appears in a skit that’s pretty funny for a fake TV show called “Stunt Kids.” Nothing like having kids in danger as a joke, but it’s funny. Best moment, Russell Brand barely clapping.
Betty White, Scarlett Johannson and Bradley Cooper appear to salute Sandra Bullock. Amazing for White to appear only days after the death of Rue McClanahan. Bullock in the audience — looks great. Smiling. Cooper, “I had the fortune of working with you and being in the award winning movie ‘All About Steve.'” (Yep, for two Razzies.} “‘The Blind Side’ and ‘The Proposal’ both made $300 million last year” (sort of true, playing with numbers Mr. Cooper). Betty White gives a nice speech which is probably not as funny as you’d hoped, but goodwill for White for being there. “Your race bending portrayal in ‘The Blind Side.'” Cooper, “Scarlett, you want to say anything?” “No, I’m good.” Um, OK. Cute the very well cut montage. Bullock goes up for hugs.
And then the Slingbox goes out…sigh. We’re assuming Bullock gave a wonderfully sweet and self-deprecating speech we’ll have to catch on the West Coast replay.
And we’re back! Ken Jeong has won an award. Were guessing….Best WTF Moment. Jeong actually gives a very touching speech about how he took the part in “The Hangover” during a time when his wife was battling breast cancer.
Aziz comes out to let us all know R. Kelly was to perform a tribute to “Avatar” but he was at home watching “Avatar” and couldn’t make it. So, Aziz is gonna stand in for him. Yeah, Aziz, this would have been funny…5 years ago? 10 years ago? Oh, but wait here’s an opp to rip British Petroleum.
Sam Jackson, Eva Mendes and Dwayne Johnson appear from “The Other Guys” with Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell hanging above them (they skipped the Celtics/Lakers game????). Wahlberg, “Dude, this is the dumbest [expletive] idea ever! You said I was gonna land on her like Eva’s face like Sacha Baron Cohen landed on Eminem.” And the winner for BEST VILLAIN…
Tom Felton, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.”
Sort of a surprise, thought Carter would win from “Alice in Wonderland.” Just shows you how much this is a teenage girl dominated show these days.
Felton, “I just got a kiss from Eva Mendes, my night is made.” Ferrell, “This is your moment, we’re not here.” After Felton thanks his girlfriend and mom, Wahlberg interrupts, “Are you serious? This isn’t the fuckin’ Oscars. Go ahead man, it will never happen again.”
Jackie Chan, Jaden Smith and a semi-shirtless Shaun White come out to present the BIGGEST BAD A** STAR. And the winner is…
Rain, “Ninja Assassin”
Um. Really? Guess there are lots of fans who could vote online from overseas. Wow, this show might need a reboot.
Kstew. RPattz and Taylor here for an exclusive “Eclipse” preview. Screams. Screams. Screams. They introduce a new clip where we find Jacob confronting Edward and Bella as they arrive at school. Bella discovers Alice has lied and that Victoria is still alive and after her. And then, Bella and Jacob go for a ride on a motorcycle leaving an annoyed Edward behind. Cute montage of action. I’ll give it this, it certainly looks better than some of the other clips we’ve seen before.
Jessica Alba and Vanessa Hudgens appear to give the award for BEST MALE PERFORMANCE. Taylor? Jacob? Could Zac win an upset? The mind boggles. And the winner is…
Robert Pattinson, “The Twilight Saga: New Moon”
Plus, he wins GLOBAL SUPERSTAR too! So much for secret ballots. Even Pattinson is surprised. He thanks his family and even Kristen. Hmmmm.
Next up? Christina Aguliera is here to perform “Bionic” from her new album of the same name and then she segues to “Not Mysel fTonight” (which has bombed on the radio). I’m going to let HitFix’s own Katie Hasty comment on this further, but it’s an energetic performance and Xtina does everything she can to blow the roof off the building and proves she still has some pipes. The number ends with a glowing heart in the middle of her, um, private parts. Really. No joke.
Zach Galifanakis meets Taavon (Aziz Ansari) who is his new fashion/culture expert. It’s probably the best bit of the whole show.
Zac Efron is her to present the award for BEST COMEDIC PERFORMANCE. And the winner is…
Zach Galifanakis, “The Hangover”
A stunner! Who knew Zach had that many fans? This couldn’t have been fixed by MTV could it? Nah, these are legit awards! Right? Taavon appears to accept on Zach’s behalf. Again, would watch three hours of Taavon before seeing Aziz’s stand up act again.
Only one award left. Can MTV get it in under the 2-hour mark? it might be close!
Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruise show up to present the BEST MOVIE AWARD. Diaz towers over Cruise. Guess who is gonna win?
“The Twilight Saga: New Moon”
Yawn. The “Twilight” franchise is an amazing and entertaining pop culture phenomenon, but over “Avatar”? Nice. Peter Facinelli is swearing like a mother and MTV can’t get all the [expletives] out as he accepts the award. Peter thanks Justin Bieber and, of course, the fans. “Go see [expletive] ‘Eclipse’ on [expletive] June 30.”
We’ll recap the bad, the boring and the good (what little there was) in our Best and Worst later tonight, but one thing we’ve learned? An FCC fine may be in the works for all the [expletives] not caught by the show. Egad.
For the latest entertainment commentary and breaking news year round, follow Gregory Ellwood on Twitter @HitFixGregory .