Attention, everyone who sent me a link to that pizza lanyard, as if I ever leave pizza just hanging around: I am also uninterested in Domino’s new “Easy Button.”
I appreciate that you see how I eat entirely too much pizza and are just trying to be supportive. With that said, let me explain why I think it’s a little silly to have a physical button in my house to bring me pizza on demand:
First of all, it will only be available in the UK. Of course availability is not the only issue, but it’s kind of the most important one. Because of course I want a button in my house that will bring me pizza on demand. Please do not make this a thing I can own in my country, ever.
Secondly, though: If you already have the Domino’s app on your phone, you can just order with “one-click” as it is. And of course I have the Domino’s app on my phone.
If you insist on getting it, the Domino’s “Easy Order” button works a little bit like an Amazon Dash button, in that you have to set up an account with the Domino’s app (or on their website), and then enter in all your details for payment and shipping. The difference is, you presumably don’t have to wait two days to get your pizza, they deliver it like normal. This is also the premise behind Domino’s “tweet us the pizza emoji” system, in case you were wondering. You gotta do a lotta work in order to be spectacularly lazy.*
I’d also like to preempt any “Domino’s Pizza is garbage!!1!! I only eat back-alley bodega pizza sold by a small sewer rat who is just trying to make enough money to raise his adopted teenage sons, who are mutants. They all practice martial arts and every slice has arugula on it, that’s how you know it’s better than Domino’s, which is garbage, and is NOT run by ninjas” conversation in the comments. Domino’s long ago set themselves apart by developing that tracker thing, which eliminates any guesswork at all as to when you need to put on some pants to answer the door, which was 40 percent of my anxiety about ordering pizza anyway. (The other 60 percent being talking to an actual person, which was eliminated by online ordering.)
That’s how they worked their way in to my heart, people. A pants-secure, anxiety-free pizza experience is premium. I don’t really need the on-demand button to secure my loyalty, but they get an A+ for effort.
The Domino’s Easy Button rolls out in December, with a second wave available (in the UK) in February 2016.
*put this on my epitaph, please.