Ranking the Fast & Furious movies is a bit like picking your favorite child: Easy if you’re honest with yourself. There’s really only one correct answer for the best movie (Fast Five) and the rest fall based on how much of that movie they have in them.
Ranking the songs on The Fate of the Furious: The Album — the soundtrack full of original songs made for a movie where a bunch of cars fight a submarine — is a bit harder. It’s like ranking your favorite pizza places in town. Even the bad choices are at least okay and will serve in a pinch. There’s probably only one or two places that you absolutely do not mess with. Maybe you heard they have roaches or their crust is actual cardboard. But if someone else shows up with it, you’ll eat it and feel alright about it.
All this is to say gathering a who’s who of rappers to rap about superheroes driving cars in places where you don’t usually see cars was an excellent idea, and this list would be splitting hairs if any of the men in the Fast & Furious universe had hair. But we’re paying fealty to the gods of the internet and nitrous oxide and doing our best to rank this ridiculous, awesome and ridiculously awesome album.
14. Post Malone — “Candy Paint”
Sorry, Stoney. This song got the memo about the car imagery, but failed to ingest the vibes of a Fast & Furious movie. In short, this song is too downbeat and low-key for a movie that probably has more than two close-up shots of flexed biceps and probably more than one air-drop of luxury cars.