03.23.07 11 years ago 8 Comments

Let's take a look back at the last couple days in the Cricket World Cup: Pakistan suffered a shocking loss to Ireland on St. Patrick's Day, which wasn't exactly well-received in Pakistan:

The defeat prompted outrage among the team's hardcore fans, with protesters burning effigies of [coach Bob] Woolmer and the team captain in Karachi.

Ahhh, nothing burns like an effigy. The next morning, Woolmer was found dead in his hotel room. At the time, police would say no more about the death other than it was suspicious, but after a mere four days the crack Jamaican police have determined, yes, it was a murder. Time to put on my detective pants:

A pathology report indicated that Pakistani cricket coach Bob Woolmer died of "manual strangulation," according to a statement from Jamaican police commissioner Lucius Thomas.

Yeah, it generally takes four days to find the neck of a corpse, especially when the windpipe is crushed and you're distracted by the blue face. This might be the work of a professional. It's just too tidy.

Blood, vomit and diarrhea were splattered over the walls and floor of Woolmer's hotel bathroom, said Pakistan's team spokesman Pervez Mir Wednesday afternoon.

Okay, so scratch on the professional. Readers, if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times: don't show up to a killing without an effective murder weapon. But if you MUST choke someone to death, don't do the amateurish "air choke" you see in the movies. Strangling the windpipe, while erotically satisfying, can take up to 6 or 8 minutes to get your victim unconscious. But if you get a good headlock and execute the "blood choke" — cutting off circulation to the brain by clamping down on the carotids — the struggle won't last longer than 15 seconds. If nothing else, do it as a favor to the hotel staff who have to clean the bathroom.

(On a serious note, this is effin' creepy. Condolences to the Woolmer family. And I apologize for having a sexy picture to go with a murder story. I hope nobody got too confused by that.) 

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