03.24.08 10 years ago 18 Comments

This week, sports geeks have shifted their attention from calculating VORP and masturbating to laminated pictures of Anna Kournikova to SI.com, which has opened up its archives of the last however many years.  The best catch reeled in so far is this doozy from 1979 (via FanIQ), in which idiots from '70s made their bold calculations for what football might look like in the year 2000.  And no one was a bigger idiot than Byron Donzis, an inventor whose opinion was sought because… uh…

"I think you'll have a lot of women playing quarterback by 2000. For one thing, they have a higher threshold of pain."

"The quarterback will have a calculator in his helmet. It will be on his Lexan visor, so he'll be able to see readouts based on percentages and statistics to determine the ideal play to run."

"We'll see equipment that will be supportive of body functions. I'm visualizing devices that will allow a player—a receiver, say—to jump two or three feet higher than he does now. Or we'll put a strong enough biomechanical device on a quarterback's back so he can pass 150 yards, which will be important, because the field will have to be that large by then."

"Or a power-pack device on a running back's legs, so he can drive through the line. And we'll need smarter players, too, because you won't be able to use these charger devices except for a few specified number of times each game. If you're a defensive back and you waste your spring action on a play that doesn't require it, then the receiver can spring up six feet high next time, and you won't be able to deal with him. And think of the excitement in the stands when the odds on the pari-mutuel boards reflect this."

"Football by 2000 is going to need more logic and brains and much less violence, because look at the generation growing up today. They're all playing computer games, calculator games. Football as it is today is just not going to be entertaining and challenging enough for them… if [the sport] doesn't move ahead, we are going to be a country of soccer players in 2000."

Actual possible new technology in the NFL for 2008: one defensive player on the field may have a radio in his helmet.  HOYVIN-GLAYVIN SLOW DOWN THIS TECHNOLOGY!

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