11.01.07 10 years ago 50 Comments

Tennis player Martina Hingis, who has collected five Grand Slam titles in her pro career, admitted today that she tested positive for cocaine at Wimbledon before announcing her retirement from pro tennis.

"I have tested positive but I have never taken drugs and I feel 100 percent innocent," Hingis said in a brief statement. "The reason I have come out with this is because I do not want to have a fight with anti-doping authorities… "Because of my age and my health problems I have also decided to retire from professional tennis."

What the hell is that?  You can't just deny it and give no reason.  She's supposed to say that she got a tainted supplement.  Yeah, that's it: a supplement tainted by cocaine.  Or a rail of cocaine off my taint.  Something, y'know? 

It's not like she did anything wrong.  Chicks should know that it's okay to do cocaine.  Coke's not just for strippers and Gawker Media employees any more.  It keeps you skinny and makes you confident and helps you dance through the night.  It's one of those things that's only illegal because it's so awesome, like anal sex in the South.

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