New Pervert Job: Volunteer High School Bowling Coach

Senior Writer
09.20.10 10 Comments

Now I’m no expert judge of character by any means, but if a dude shows up at a high school volunteering to be a bowling coach, free of charge – well, there’s a pretty good chance that dude’s gonna end up being a perv. And so we go to Manhattan, Illinois, where 41-year old Edward R. Cetwinski was arrested after a female student reported having an affair with the ol’ three-holed ball coach. I just assumed that she was ratted out by her jealous classmates as she bragged, “Guess who’s nailing the bowling coach!”

The report was filed last week, leading to an immediate investigation of the grown man who was donating his spare time to teach high school kids how to bowl and, I’m guessing, how to grow a wicked goatee. However, people had become suspicious prior to her admittance, mainly because she kept bragging about picking up a 6-9 split. *bowtie spins, granny bowls*

Lay down the smooth game of a volunteer bowling coach, Herald-News Online:

Police reports indicate Cetwinski has been a volunteer bowling coach at Lincoln-Way Central High School and met the girl through the school.

Police arranged for the girl to have a “victim-sensitive interview” with a county social worker, which is typical in sexual abuse cases involving minors.

For anyone who wants to pay Cetwinski a visit for special lessons, his address is also listed in the article, but where he’s going they’ll probably be teaching him a whole new type of grip. I think that it’s kind of weak to just simply publish the address of a sex offender. They should include “… and he usually has big bags of money hidden in his furniture” or “… and he loves spontaneous gangbangs.” Let’s at least make things a little more challenging for the scumbags.

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