10.03.09 8 years ago 4 Comments

Get it? The Rock? Diamonds? Cubic Zirconia? As in he’s not box office gold?

Sweet merciful crap, please make it stop. Why does Hollywood insist on continuing to churn out these aborted embryos of celluloid?

Coming in January 2010, 20th Century Fox will unleash The Tooth Fairy, yet another attempt to turn Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson into a bona fide movie star. They ought to give it up: Johnson’s acting and choice of projects makes Jim Varney look like Jim Belushi. Wait. That’s not right. Unless Jim Belushi was in The Passion of the Christ.

Read with a dread that will chill you to your very soul:

Dwayne Johnson is “The Tooth Fairy,” also known as Derek Thompson, a hard-charging minor league hockey player whose nickname comes from his habit of separating opposing players from their bicuspids. When Derek discourages a youngster’s hopes, he’s sentenced to one week’s hard labor as a real tooth fairy, complete with the requisite tutu, wings and magic wand. At first, Derek “can’t handle the tooth” – bumbling and stumbling as he tries to furtively wing his way through strangers’ homes…doing what tooth fairies do. But as Derek slowly adapts to his new position, he begins to rediscover his own forgotten dreams. –© 20th Century Fox via.

I would expand on the movie preview but besides the soul-crushing experience that would entail, I believe it is self-explanatory. You start off with The Rock, mix in a little Ashley Judd, a dash of Julie Andrews, a spritz of Billy Crystal, a sprinkle of “football in the groin” level of humor, and do you know what you get? Well, you get The Tooth Fairy. Duh. Pay attention.

The icing on the cake is the use of a song by The Cars in the preview. That is never a good sign. Don’t believe me? Look what happened to Circuit City.

Movies like this make me hearken back to the good old days when washed-up professional wrestlers did what was expected of them: develop crippling drug addictions and fade into obscurity.

Or possibly get tangled up (literally) in a murder-suicide. Although the first one is the more preferable of the two.

[H/T Puck Daddy]

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