The Rundown: Finally, Guy Fieri Is Explaining The Flavortown Justice System

07.12.19 7 days ago

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The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items will vary, as will the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday and we are here to have some fun.

ITEM NUMBER ONE — Sheriff Guy, reporting for duty

Something very strange is happening on Guy Fieri’s Twitter account. No, not the photoshops, although that’s strange, too. Someone — I’m assuming it’s a whole social media team but it’s much more fun to picture Guy doing it himself, so just let yourself have that visual — has been putting Guy into posters for upcoming movies. There was a Toy Story one and a Spider-man one and it’s all very strange indeed but not the strange thing we’re discussing today. Please feel free to stop me on the street this weekend if you want to talk about it, though. I’ll happily give you an hour of my time. Maybe two. It’s important and unsettling in ways that require an extended conversation.

Anyway, the strange thing we are focusing on: Guy Fieri is now, finally, after all these years, explaining the Flavortown justice system. And he’s doing it with a hashtag. And that hashtag is #TheLawsOfFlavortown. It’s really quite remarkable. Here, look.

That’s a good piece of business right there, Guy. So is this. I enjoy the all-caps flare up front to let people know he’s serious.

These are just a taste, too. There have been more. In fact, to date, as I type this very sentence, there have been a total of six Laws of Flavortown tweets, which I will now present in chronological order.

  • You don’t have to eat the whole cheeseburger, just take a (big) piece
  • Don’t ever use lighter fluid, it’s un-American.
  • When cookin’ bacon, count out 3 pieces for each person… then triple it.
  • When cooking for a big crew of hungry dudes, don’t think you can get away with fettucini Alfredo
  • ALWAYS sauce with authority
  • Always nibble away at the ingredients while preparing your dish

Putting aside small issues like the fact that nine pieces of bacon in one meal is a great way to develop heart problems (the Flavortown Hospital must spend all day unclogging arteries), there are two ways to look at all of this. The first way is that it’s just some silly brand-building exercise that Guy’s team set in motion, possibly with the dream of turning it into a book or “a thing.” You could look at it like that if you want to be cynical and insufferable and correct at the expense of fun.

Or.

You could pretend that Flavortown is a real place. A place that, prior to these tweets, was a lawless hellscape. An anarchist’s paradise. A place with barbecue sauce rivers and no rules and gangs of spiky-haired marauders rolling through the streets in classic cars. And you could pretend that Flavortown’s ruler, its combination of mayor and king and deity, Guy Fieri, looked around one day and decided he needed to establish some sort of order. Just some guidelines to keep this idyllic bold flavor paradise, this crispy fried utopia, from tumbling further into chaos. And these are the first laws he’s announcing. Not ones about homicide or burglary or arson. Not a tax code or rules about what does and does not constitute free speech. None of that. First things first. You must sauce with authority.

It would be kind of great if he keeps doing these for like six months and then out of nowhere he drops one like “identity theft shall be punishable by between four and six years in prison and a fine of up to $25,000.” And then he goes right back to ones about meats. Or maybe he should slip one in there about grand theft auto. I’m just saying… the man has been burned before. Fool me once, shame on you. Steal Guy Fieri’s neon Lamborghini buy rappelling into a luxury car dealership at night and driving it right out the front door twice, shame on… actually, no. That’s still pretty cool.

I suppose we should close with this.

What a world we have here. Ice-T has been playing a cop on network television for well over a decade and now Guy Fieri has photoshopped himself into a mock-up poster of a fake spin-off of the show that is set in Flavortown. Take a few minutes this weekend and really think about all of that. And then think about if you would watch Law & Order: Flavortown.

I would. Every day.

ITEM NUMBER TWO — Look at all the helicopters in the Succession trailer

HBO’s Succession is a show about power. It’s a show about wealth and tricky family dynamics. It’s a show about people telling each other to “fuck off,” a lot, in increasingly blunt and colorful ways. It is also, now, if the recently released trailer for the upcoming second season is to be believed, a show about helicopters.

Look at all the helicopters in this trailer. Here’s one, right at the beginning.

HBO

Here are two more.

HBO

Here are another two.

HBO

And another two.

HBO

And one last one for good measure.

HBO

That is, if you’re keeping score, eight helicopters depicted in one two-minute trailer. Sure, most of these are the same helicopter shown over and over again, so it’s not so much “eight helicopters” as it is “multiple shots of two helicopters,” probably, but who cares? It’s still a lot of helicopters.

In fact, if we do a little math here… eight helicopters… two minutes…

[Takes entirely too long to do a simple mathematical equation, to the point that I twist my face into a painful-looking knot as the people around me become concerned]

That’s one on-screen helicopter every 15 seconds. In an hour-long show, if they keep up that pace…

[Twists face into pained expression again, someone quickly plugs the numbers into their calculator because watching me try to do this is upsetting nearby children]

That’s something like 240 helicopters. That’s a lot of helicopters. I am excited for Succession to return for many reasons (please note the end of the trailer, which depicts Tom winging things at my gangly naive boy Greg, for one), but now l’m curious. I want to see where this helicopter business goes. I hope there’s a bottle episode that takes place entirely inside the Roy family chopper. I hope Kendall falls out and Shiv has to leap out with a bungee cord tied around her waist to save him. Please.

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