I am a literal monster. Not only do I have a bad personality and an even worse temperament, but, as my husband has told me several times in the past decade — it’s even in our vows — eating with me is a punishment that even the UN would classify as torture of the cruelest and most unusual kind. You want to see a mess? Then you need to see me try to eat a hamburger, have it slop out all over my fingers, and then watch me lick it all off because eff it, who cares, we’re all going to die someday, why not enjoy right now?
“Forks,” my husband will say, “were invented for precisely this reason,” but because I will be bound by the rules of no man — and certainly not by standards of public decency — I always pretend to have gone temporarily deaf when he talks about such matters. But, friend, I have met my match. And if you have a messy eater in your life (are you that messy eater?), McDonald’s has finally introduced a product that will allow them to embrace their messy ways.
It’s called the FrOrk, it’s fucking ridiculous, and I am already in love with it (and the fact that it’s introduced by Anthony Sullivan, who is somehow famous even though he lacks the charisma of both Billy Mays and SlapChop Vince).
You want to see this thing in action? I bet you do. Ch-ch-check it out:
“This can’t possibly be real,” you must be saying to yourself as you laugh at Anthony Sullivan lampooning tired infomercial tropes to get you excited about McDonald’s new burgers (which feature guacamole and barbecue sauce). But it is real(ish). And it’s spectacular. And if you don’t believe me, call the number in the infomercial which will not only give you the opportunity to listen to one of the world’s greatest pitch men (that’s, like, in his title) explain what a burger is to you in excruciating detail but also inform you that the FrOrk will be available to try at your local McDonald’s on the fifth.
Are you camping out? I’m camping out. I need this in my life.
