Bear with me, folks, this one requires a journey deep down the rabbit hole. So, American Pie‘s Pie effer in Chief Jason Biggs is apparently voicing Leonardo in a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles show for Nickelodeon. (Stay with me here, we’ve got a long way to go). In promoting the show, Nickelodeon apparently promoted Biggs’ Twitter account. Meanwhile, a website called Twitchy, clearly doing the Lord’s work, took it upon themselves to catalog every “lewd” thing Biggs tweeted, clutching their pearls all the while and eventually calling for a boycott of Nickelodeon.
Some of Biggs’ offending tweets (asterices added by me – blame your workplace’s family filters):
If your sweater has buttons and buckles on it, you are very good at sucking d*ck. #TheBachelorette
I bet the top priority for a women’s basketball team equipment manager is to make sure they have enough dental dams. And then basketballs.
Just got emailed another birth announcement. Damn, there are a lot of Jewgly kids in Hollywood.
Happy we’re clamping down on texting while driving, but when is being Asian while driving going to become illegal?
If Twitter is a penis, then she totally swallows. #FF my wife, @jennyandteets [What the hell does that even mean? How does a penis swallow? Ugh. -Ed]
“your pussy isn’t allergic to pussy, is it?” – my husband, defending his attempt to finger me after petting a feral cat -Jenny Mollen
I’d totes dip a pinky or two in Paul Ryan’s wife’s bleached assh*le (she obvs bleaches her assh*le). #RNC
“@jennyandteets: People are cheering off screen because Janna Ryan is showing her tits! #RNC”
Clint Eastwood talking to a non-responsive stool sorta sums up Christianity in a nutshell, huh Republicans? #RNC
You know, just your basic, not-nearly-as-funny-as-I-think-I-am actor tweets. Feel free to check out Biggs’ wife Jenny Mollen’s completely insufferable blog for 10,000 more words of that (a few people have suggested that I do an in-depth breakdown of her latest, but, while it would surely be big traffic, I don’t think I could handle the sheer volume of negativity it would require of me). Anyway, poor Jason apparently understimated how much the wingnut media cares about a B-list actor’s tweets when that B-list actor insults Republicans.
Breitbart editor and radio show host Dana Loesch filled in for Glenn Beck today on his program, and she took American Idiot Jason Biggs straight to the woodshed over his disgusting tweets. Nickelodeon, who has yet to straight-up disavow anything employee Biggs has said and has in fact been promoting his Twitter account, didn’t escape Loesch’s wrath, either. [Twitchy]
Wow. That confusing Green Day reference hurts, bra. I wonder if that was the same woodshed where Jerry Falwell lost his virginity to his mother (see? I can make nonsensical political references too). Twitchy and the rest of the culty, rightist media apparently made such a ruckus that the Colorado Rockies cancelled Nickelodeon Day. Twitchy and co. even tried to badger Nickelodeon’s advertisers into giving a statement, apparently to no avail. Nickelodeon did take the bait, sort of, keeping Biggs employed, but eventually releasing a statement, even if it was only to Breitbart:
In a statement to Breitbart.com, whose managing editor Alexander Marlow emailed a complaint to the network’s vice president of programming, Nickelodeon offered the following explanation:
“The offensive comments made by Jason Biggs last week on his personal twitter account do not reflect our company’s views or values, and we condemn them. Nickelodeon does not support or condone the use of graphic or vulgar language on any of our platforms.
“It was our mistake to link from our Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles twitter feed to Jason’s personal twitter account, and we quickly corrected our error. We also insisted Jason use better judgment and discretion in public communications while affiliated with our brand.” [FoxNews]
Now, let us not forget, this all started with a pief*cker doing voice work for a cartoon about mutated turtles who love pizza. Friends, we live in stupid, stupid times. Bartender? I’ll have rye whiskey on the rocks with a Men in Black memory eraser on the side.
[hat tip to huggy snugglekins Dave Chen]