The Most Dubious Sounding Experiences From Goop’s Health Symposium

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Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow’s unfortunately named life style brand, is having its first Health Summit on June 10th and we have so many questions. Like how are the $1500 tickets sold out already? Who exactly bought a $1500 dollar ticket to the Goop Health Summit? Are these the kind of people that steam their vaginas?

The event is promoted as a summit that will address everything from “gut imbalances to sexual health,” and will involve a market with clean beauty products, healthy food, and wellness goods. The tickets (The lowest tier of which is still $500) also include a gift bag with hundreds of dollars of Goop approved products. Although, considering the price of many of the products Paltrow recommends on the website, we can’t promise you that “$300 dollars worth of products” doesn’t mean one tiny jar of the diamond cream from Arrested Development. But in the words of Lindsay Bluth, “I can actually smear diamonds on my face, and it’s only $400 a tub! That’s like, what? A million diamonds for $400? A million f*cking diamonds!” Seems worth it.

Sure, it’s easy to pick on Gwyneth Paltrow and the Goop brand. So deliciously easy that it’s kind of cheap (unlike every item on the Goop website!). But the daughter of movie royalty seems so out of touch with reality at times, that it’s kind of impossible not to poke fun. Saying you’d rather smoke actual crack than eat spray cheese or including seven limes when doing the food stamp challenge makes you seem really far removed from regular people.

That being said, I think what I appreciate about Paltrow is that she seems like a genuinely nice, well-meaning person. Yes, she has no idea what it’s like to live in the real world, she’s never had to. But it’s also not her brand. Her brand is crazy, unproven opulence. And as hard as I roll my eyes, I kind of respect that she owns her life. And if other people want to spend $1500 dollars to share in that life….nope I couldn’t do it. THAT’S SO MUCH MONEY TO SPEND ON A ONE DAY HEALTH SUMMIT, GUYS, COME ON.

So we took a look at the weirdest events offered at the one day summit, and we have some genuine concerns and questions —- which we hope will be answered for us when we get to go to the event. Because while all of the Uproxx Life writers made fun of the different events, there was one thing we passionately agreed about: We totally want to go and see it for ourselves. The media requests were sent before the conversation was even rolling.

Those tickets to the Goop summit may be more money than my car is worth, but who knows how many jade eggs they’ll provide for me to stick in my vagina. It could be a million vagina eggs for $1500. And a million f*cking vagina eggs!? That doesn’t sound like so bad a deal.

The Offerings:

A foam roller workout with a “body whisperer.”

What is a body whisperer? I can only hope she’s similar to the dog whisperer and will teach me how to avoid urinating on the carpet and biting neighbor children (I really love to bite neighbor children).