If you’ve ever enjoyed (well, maybe enjoyed is the wrong word) the first Final Destination film, then there’s a 90 percent chance that you — like the rest of us — have been terrified of boarding a plane, especially after what it did to Devon Sawa’s career. But even if you’re just a run-of-the-mill nervous flyer you’re going to want to sit down for this one: People actually boarded a plane bound for HEL on Friday the 13th.
The flight number? ::dramatic music::: 666. And the aircraft was 13 years old.
First: Why has no one thought about this as the basis for a horror movie before? Several weary travelers, all waiting to get to Helsinki for a conference on bio-ethics and weasel farming board a plane bound for HEL… with a serial killer on board! The only problem? The plane is also haunted by the malevolent spirit of a demon child.That sounds like 90 minutes of a terrifying good time.
Second: What the hell, real people who actually boarded this flight? Why would you do that? Did you not notice the flight number and the date? Was the fact that you were literally traveling to a misspelled version of the upside down not a warning sign for you? Had you just already given up on life and thought “Hey, if I go, I go?” Even if you weren’t superstitious, this is such a perfect storm of “sh*t’s about to go down” that you can’t say you didn’t at least think sh*t would go down.
Third: Here are some things that feel just a little safer than boarding a 13-year-old plane carrying you from wherever to HEL on Friday the 13th (especially when the flight number is 666):
- Breaking every mirror in a mirror factory that you have snuck into at night to get over your most recent break-up/family fight/work blowout. I don’t know why that’s your preferred method of getting over sh*t (have you considered therapy?) but I can also guarantee you that in the long run it’s going to be more safe than getting on that plane.
- Participating in The Hunger Games.
- Reading The Hunger Games in front of director Gary Ross, who left the franchise on bad terms.
- Enjoying a long leisurely stroll under an entire block full of ladders ala Kylie Minogue in that music video that gave all of us headaches because WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY KYLIES?
- Walking too close to someone’s head with a kettle bell when your shoes are untied.
- Visiting the basement for any reason after sundown.
- Spending the night at a supposedly haunted house that all your friends dared you to stay in. At least you’ll be on the ground and have a fighting chance to escape. You know where you don’t have a fighting chance? On a plane bound for HEL, with just an oxygen mask and a life vest to protect your delicate parts. Commercial flights don’t come with parachutes for every customer. Just thought you should know. (Besides, the derelict who lives there could just be a chill old man with lots of cool stories; and aren’t the friendships we make along the way really what matters in life?)
- Snorkeling in an underwater cave, which the grim reaper is literally warning you not to go into.
- Taking any other flight, even if it means you’re going to get to your destination late and your favorite luefisk place is closed.
- Picking up a strangely beautiful (but slightly rotten-smelling) hitchhiker who’s wearing a prom dress and just chilling outside a graveyard.
- Ignoring the hitchhiker in a prom dress (the place she wants to go is like three blocks away, anyway — she’s got feet) and strolling into the graveyard to stomp around on some graves. Excellent cardio!
- Thinking your marriage will totally be okay after a really rich dude offers you a million bucks to bang your wife.
- Attempting to abandon your good girl image and reaching for stardom by betting it all on Paul Verhoeven’s film about making it in Vegas.
- Turning off all the lights in your home when you have to spend the night alone.
- Meeting a Tinder date whose main profile picture is them in a hockey mask. Their interests include “never swimming. like ever. I will block you.”
- Saying “Bloody Mary” into a mirror three times at a sleepover, because you “don’t believe in that kind of stuff.”
- Being handcuffed to the bed in a remote cabin, with the husband who died because you kicked him too hard during sex slowly decaying next to you.
- Pouring a bucket of pig’s blood onto the unpopular girl in school.
- Having sex in your boyfriend’s truck in the forest preserve while police are still looking for “that patient who escaped the mental health facility on Monday.”
- Walking away from your group while you’re visiting the catacombs. Any catacombs.
- Accepting a dinner invitation from an eccentric billionaire who lives on a private island and game preserve.
- Continuing to speak to a wrong number even after the caller has said they’d like to see “what your insides look like.”
- Telling white people you didn’t really enjoy La La Land.
- Pulling the tail of a black cat who has wandered across your path to show it who’s boss.
- Not believing that the old guy whose wife you just killed cursed the hell out of you, even though they did that whole thing where they whispered “thinner” while they caressed your face ominously.
- Running over a fisherman, burying them, and then vowing to never talk about it again to anyone, but like for real, you guys, we’re never going to talk about this!
- Helping Azealia Banks clean out the closet she has spent three years killing chickens in.
- Letting Lindsay Lohan drive you to work.
- Dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight.
Buzzfeed reports that the plane landed safely, but there’s no word whether every person who put their life into their own hands today was cursed while aboard. We’re still going to go with dancing with the devil, though. Really nice guy if you get to know him.