Life

The Holiday Cookie Power Rankings


Some people might tell you that power rankings are only for sports. Well, those people are fools. They don‘t know how grueling a day of baking can be. Dough flying every which way, sugar and cinnamon in your eyes, and flour covering you from head to toe. If anything deserves power rankings, it’s cookies. And not just any cookies: holiday cookies.

We aren’t ranking Oreos and Nutterbutters today, friends. No Girl Scout Cookies here. These are the power rankings for the cookies your grandma used to make and you poorly attempt to imitate each and every holiday season. These are the crunchy, chocolaty, peanut butter filled treats that warm our bellies and our hearts. The cookies that spark a thousand New Year’s resolutions.

You’ll probably disagree with me or insist that I left some of your favorites off the list, but you have to know that this task wasn’t taken lightly. It was based years and years of rigorous training. Decades of hard, delicious work. In short: All my answers are 100% correct; if you want to debate, I will fight you.

THE FATALLY FLAWED

12.) Molasses Cookies

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I hate to rank any cookies low, but — even though they’re a holiday mainstay — molasses cookies just don’t have what it takes to be at the top of the list. They are delicious, but they are as one-dimensional as a painting of a cookie. Obviously, the main ingredient is the aforementioned molasses. For fans of this goop made from sugarcane, this is your dream come true.

I just prefer my molasses to be used to make rum.

11.) Gingersnaps

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This close relative to the molasses cookie is a real winner when the cookie is more on the chewy side. The problem is that people seem to like to make these bad boys crunchy and crispy. Breaking a tooth on a solid gingersnaps does not make for a merry Christmas. Plus, there’s already another ginger-based cookie that we would all rather devour during the holidays.

10.) Russian Tea Cake Cookies

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It might seem like these cookies are more at home in a fancy parlor beside a cup of Earl Grey, but you’d be wrong. These buttery, nutty cookies are covered in powdered sugar are perfectly paired with a hot toddy or spiked hot chocolate. Their downfall is the addition of nuts. It’s disappointing to bite into a perfectly good cookie only to be greeted by a mystery walnut chunk.

9.) Chocolate Snow Cap Cookies

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They look kinda wintry — like clumps of mud dusted with snow. Flavor-wise, these gooey chocolate cookies with powdered sugar make a can’t miss holiday cookie. Downfall: Few cookies guarantee that you’ll look like a slob, and this is one of them. You’re pretty much guaranteed to get melted sugar all over your hands and have to deal with the Christmas party Sophie’s choice of “Do I lick my fingers in public?”

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

8.) Thumbprints

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The best things about these holiday classics is their ability to adapt to any cookie flavor — like the chameleon of the cookie world. You start with a cookie base and press a candy into it. The well-known version is a sugar cookie with a Hershey Kiss. But alternatives include: peanut butter cookies with peanut butter cups and chocolate cookies with peppermint chocolate.

7.) Gingerbread People

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There are two ginger-based cookies on the list? The holidays are all about sugar and spice, right? Plus, what’s more fun than decorating a gingerbread man? Maybe just biting off his frosting-covered head. Plus, you can make a whole gingerbread family and then eat them all or build one of those dumb houses for them.

6.) Buckeyes

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Chocolate and peanut butter, what’s not to love? Buckeyes are like the home-made version of the peanut butter cup. These peanut butter balls, dipped into chocolate are so good you can’t eat just ten. Unless, you’re a fan of Michigan then you can’t have any. Same for you, Wisconsin!

5.) Snickerdoodles

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Don’t let the Dr. Seuss-like name fool you. These holiday treats are the real deal. They would pretty much just be your basic sugar cookie if it wasn’t for the fact that they are rolled in cinnamon sugar. They are so good, you won’t even care that you’ll be finding random spec of cinnamon and sugar on your clothes for days.

4.) Oreo Balls

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Although their name isn’t as unique, the updated version of the buckeye is just as amazing if not more so. Picture this: an oreo cheesecake ball dipped in milk and white chocolate. If that doesn’t say “happy holidays” I don’t know what does. Put a droplet of mint oil in that shit and wow…

Plus, you can stack them up and build an Oreo ball snowman if that’s the kind of thing you’re into.

THE SANTA-APPROVED BEST OF THE BATCH


3.) Shortbread Cookies

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This cookie might seem simple and that’s probably because you’ve had the mass-produced version that comes in a tin can that you’ll later use as a coin receptacle. Forget that noise. Homemade shortbread cookies are crumbly, buttery and perfectly paired with hot chocolate. The only problem is that now you won’t have anywhere to put your coins.

2.) Rum Balls

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Booze in cookie form? Enough said. Ring the bell, These little bites of magic are chocolate truffles that are bathed in the sweet nectar of the gods that is rum. I’d eat them all day except for the inevitable hangover and stomach ache. Who am I kidding. I will eat them all day and then take a nap. Don’t you judge me.

1.) Frosted Sugar Cookies

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Frosted sugar cookies are and forever will be the kings of the holiday cookie power rankings. Don’t play. Don’t @ me. The key is to bake the cookies, let them cool and then frost them. Try not to eat too many while doing so. Make sure to let them sit in a container for a few days so they get good and soft. Good luck trying to share them with anyone besides Saint Nick.

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