Imagine you’re Rip Van Winkle, you know, as one does. You’ve just woken up from 20 years of slumber after you took a nap against a tree. Surprise! That tree is now a McDonalds and you’re being asked to leave. You stumble around humming Aerosmith’s “Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” while wondering what became of that shameful U.S. President. You know, the one who had an extramarital affair with a White House staffer. You try to find a matinee where you can catch that hot new flick, Spice World, but all you see is a Jaws rip off called The Meg and… Mission Impossible 6?
When you finally get someone to look up from their phones to talk to you, you recieve some wild news: Clinton lost, Seinfeld is off the air, and now the President is Donald Trump. Luckily, Tom Cruise still looks exactly the same and that’s enough to keep you going. “Maybe I just need a good meal,” you decide. So you dust yourself off and make your way back to McDonald’s for some mystery chicken McNuggets — only to find that they’ve been replaced with real white meat, the menus are all digital, and now someone wants you to order from something called an app.
“What kind of sick sad world is this?!” you scream, slamming your fists on the counter — frightening a nearby baby and elderly man. Then a glimmer of gold catches your eye.
A moving T.V. billboard informs you that between August 10th – August 24th 2018 if you complete your McDonald’s order on the mobile app, you could win a McGold card, granting you free McDonald’s for life! That would make the whole “sleeping for 20 years” thing okay, because it breaks down to two free meals per week for 50 years and you don’t have much money on hand.
A fellow diner, sitting at a booth nearby, tells her kids that, to date, only rich-as-hell celebrities like Rob Lowe, Bill Gates (rumored to have a globally accepted version), and Warren Buffett carry one of these mythical cards. You wonder aloud, “Why do rich people need free McDonald’s?” To which the mother explains, “Well, apparently Rob Lowe got one because he’s friends with the son of the kid who thought-up Ronald McDonald or a McMuffin or something.”
Anyway… massive and totally unnecessary extended metaphor aside, if free McDonald’s for life sounds good to you, get on the app, go order, and enter. Because there are only 11 days remaining before just one lucky winner is selected.
