Every Christmas, Oprah releases her list of “favorite things” — a wild and wooly assortment of gadgets, clothing, and artisanal food items that, historically, turn her fans all frothy-mouthed and consumption-crazed.
FACT: Everyone just wants to get a little bit closer to the things that are close to Oprah.
As we gazed upon the broadly attainable items on this year’s list, we wondered how often Oprah actually uses these favorite things of hers. After all, while she is doubtlessly a woman of the people, the head of Harpo is also #blessed with an insane fortune and an unlimited amount of purchasing power. Being that we didn’t have the ability to ask the woman herself, we turned to writers Mark Shrayber and Jason Tabrys and let them debate over how often Oprah makes her own pasta or rocks a message-emblazoned night shirt.
The Elvis “7 Cake By Carousel Cakes
What Oprah Said on Amazon: “Now, I don’t go around saying this lightly…but this cake is stupid good. The Elvis is a vanilla cake filled with banana custard and topped with peanut butter buttercream and chocolate ganache.”
Does Oprah use this?
Mark: This is a definite “yes.” I actually believe that almost all the food items on this list are a “yes.” Oprah’s not shy about her love of food, which is an awesome thing and something that makes her relatable and a little human. Unlike, say, her mythical gold-plated toilet.
Jason: Oh, yeah. Oprah is down with this cake. Did you read the description? She calls it “stupid delicious.” I like to imagine that is just a small snippet from her curse-filled and enthusiastic rant about the majesty of this cake (and also the majesty of Elvis — a man whose curled-lip sneer shook loose her womanhood).
Mark: She calls it her vajayjay. Fun fact: Oprah is actually the person who brought the word vajayjay into the public consciousness.
Jason: I was speculating on a global icon’s sexual awakening, so I went with the more subdued word — because I am a refined gentleman.
Eli’s Bread Challah Menorah
What Oprah Said on Amazon: “Adam’s always kvetching about the lack of cute Hanukkah treats, so he was thrilled to find this braided challah menorah.”
Does Oprah Use This?
Mark: I imagine that Oprah doesn’t f*ck with carbs unless they are covered in sugar.
Jason: I think that this bread looks like many penises and it intimidates me, despite my love of challah bread.
Omaha Steaks Best Wishes Banquet
What Oprah Said on Amazon: “What’s better than getting tender, juicy filets mignons from Omaha Steaks delivered to your door? Receiving them with baked potatoes stuffed with cheddar, bacon, sour cream, and chives, and chocolate molten lava cakes, too.”
Does Oprah Use This?
Mark: I like to think that Oprah likes to meet the cow she’ll be eating.
Jason: I think she likes to take the cow on a weekend vineyard tour of the San Fernando Valley, because Oprah is kind.
Mark: Nothing can match the benefit of time well spent with a to-be slaughtered cow.
Jason: No, sir. Forget grass fed, Oprah’s feeding her cow truffles and white zin. Before having it slaughtered in a humanitarian way and eating its flesh, of course.
Mark: At least it got to meet Oprah.
Philips Avance Pasta Maker
What Oprah Said on Amazon: “It mixes, kneads, and cranks out dough in the shape of your choosing: penne, fettuccine, spaghetti, or lasagna (one pound of pasta in about 15 minutes). If it gave hugs and told you to eat more, it could almost pass as an Italian nonna.” [Great copywriting, by the way, Oprah]
Does Oprah Use This?
Jason: Oprah’s pasta maker is named Vincenzo. He comes from Milan, he makes more than you do, his car is worth more than your house, and he makes a gnocchi that shatters any sense of decorum that might normally keep you from moaning in pleasure at the table.
Mark: There is literally nothing I can add to this except to say that you are probably right.
Barbie Fashionista Dolls
What Oprah Says on Amazon: “With 23 hair colors, 18 eye colors, 14 face shapes, and eight skin tones, the new Fashionista Barbie collection lets all kinds of girls see themselves in their dolls.”
Does Oprah Use This?
Mark: Absolutely. I assume that Oprah and Gayle play with these, and that Gayle always has to be Skipper or Stacey because only Oprah can be Barbie.
Jason: I’m going to say “no” here. I think Oprah is all about life-sized androids when it comes to playing dollies. Her backyard is like Westworld.
Mark: Only everyone is dressed in today’s hottest fashions.
Jason: As purchased from Oprah’s Favorite Things list, of course.
Mark: They’re all wearing pajama tops that say “I Wish You Looked At Me Like You Look At Your Phone” and “I Told My Therapist About You.”
Jason: Can we call that the “Tense Moments Collection?”
Emi Jay Nightshirts
What Oprah Said on Amazon: “While you catch your zzz’s, these super soft made-in-the-USA nightshirts (also available in plus-size) toss off some zingers.”
Does Oprah Use This?
Mark: I don’t understand having a specially chosen thing to wear to bed in 2015.
Jason: What about adult footie pajamas that are shamefully not on this list and accompanied by a tasteful picture of Oprah dressed up like an elegant and powerful giraffe?
Mark: Even those.
Jason: What do you sleep in?
Mark: Personally? I sleep naked. That way, if a prowler gets into the house at night, I don’t have to worry about tripping on clothes.
Jason: That’s sound. I wear the clothes that a common prowler would wear so that if I am awoken by their prowling noises, I can sneak up behind them and I can trick them into thinking that I am their prowling partner.
Mark: What do you think Oprah wears to bed?
Jason: Last year’s ball gowns.
