Well, it’s another season of Top Chef in the books. I don’t mean to brag, and also spoiler alert, but I’d just like to point out that I called this season’s winner after the first episode, no big or anything. This isn’t amateur hour, I’m like the Nate Silver of reality cooking competition handicappers, only without the ultimate disgrace (yet).
Okay, okay, I’m done bragging. We opened this week’s episode with a new twist. Or rather, a new twist on an old twist. Which is to say, they started by doing that thing where Padma introduces the challenge, and then says, “…but it’s a big challenge, so we figured you’d need some extra help!”
And then she brings out all the previously eliminated contestants. Which of course isn’t even really a twist (even though it’s still structured like a reveal) because pretty much every reality competition ever has been doing it since the beginning of time. IncludingTop Chef itself. One episode ago. Top Chef‘s new twist on that twist was that for the third sous chef, they brought out the actual chefs de cuisine from Brooke and Shirley’s actual restaurants. Pretty cool twist, right? …Guys?
I like the idea, especially since at this stage of their careers, a lot of Top Chef‘s chefs are more managers and business people than chefs. But I can’t say that it added much drama. The chefs de cuisine got about 150 seconds of combined screen time.
In fact, all I could think about during the sous chef picking was the continued humiliation of the early elimination chefs. According to Brooke and Shirley, those people still have to hang around the set doing nothing for all seven weeks, even if they got kicked off in the first challenge. Then on top of that, Top Chef does two or three challenges where the chefs have to choose from the eliminated competitors. Only, guess what, no one picks the chefs that got booted off first. So they just have to trudge out there, accept their not-getting-picked humiliation, and then trudge back to their not-good chef quarantine shack, eating gruel and peeling potatoes. On top of the fact that they had to take like seven weeks off from their jobs in the hopes of getting some name recognition and TV time that never came.
Top Chef should do a season where it’s every chef who got kicked off first in their season. Top Chef Redemption. I bet the producers already thought of this but couldn’t get it insured for when the first one kicked off inevitably kills themselves. Lawyers, man.
Anyway. No Quickfire Challenge this episode. Just a four-course progressive meal for a hundred people. Tom Colicchio showed up to announce it lookin’ like he ’bout referee an Aussie Rules Football game.
I wouldn’t normally explain my references, but in case you doubt me…
There was some brief drama over Brooke not ordering her pork belly and having to borrow it from Shirley, butas previously noted, these two genuinely seem to like each other, so the controversy didn’t last long. It was mostly all about the food, so we might as well just do this course by course.
Brooke (AKA Biscuits, aka The Girl With The Radish Tattoo, aka Acid Bomb)
Vs.
Shirley (AKA Bowl of Hug, aka Hotpot, aka Peppercorn)
First Course
Brooke:
Shirley:
The judges seemed to love “Brooke’s interpretation of an oysters rockafeller,” while Tom was damn near apoplectic about the fact that Shirley included “three pieces of fish, two pieces of mint, and one bit of chile,” which he brought up roughly 27 times. This feels like some kind of GRE word problem.
Both dishes looked strong, Shirley’s traditional and light, while Brooke’s “punched you in the mouth,” whatever the hell that means. Judge Johnny Cool Frames tried give Brooke grief for a too-assertive first course, but all the other judges loved it and told him to can it and he slunk off to buy a pair of cymbals to complete his clapping monkey suit or whatever.
Swiss chard sounds kind of weird with oyster, but I love an oyster that isn’t cooked and isn’t quite raw. You get the nice raw oyster flavor (they get fishy when you cook them) but with a slightly improved texture (raw oysters are not un-snot-like, let’s be honest). She also gets extra points for saying “I can’t wait to see Padma’s face when she puts a huge oyster in her mouth.”
Damn, really giving Padma a run for her innuendo money there, eh?
That said, Shirley was staying nicely on-brand giving all her dishes awesome Shirley names, like Triple Happiness Fun Time Sleepy Stew and whatnot.
I give the slight edge to Brooke. Also, John called her oyster “soigné,” just in case you forgot he was annoying.
Second Course
Shirley:
Brooke:
This one was tough to judge on TV, because on the one hand, who doesn’t like ramen? That seems right in Shirley’s wheelhouse. On the other, that charred octopus looks amazing, and I have to think it was extra delicious on account of the annato broth cooked up by Sheldon, the annato king of the south seas.
Since I had to look these up:
“Annato is an orange-red condiment and food coloring derived from the seeds of the achiote tree (Bixa orellana).”
“Purslane sprouts from sidewalk cracks, invades gardens and earns contempt from the U.S. Department of Agriculture, which classifies it as a ‘noxious weed.’ It also happens to be a “superfood” high in heart-healthy Omega-3 fatty acids and beta carotene, one tasty enough to spread, like the weed it is, to farmers’ markets and fancy restaurants.”
The judges called Shirley’s broth “very flat,” and “difficult to call a winning dish next to Brooke’s.”
Gotta give this one to Brooke. Shirley also loses extra points for missing the opportunity to say “I can’t wait to see Padma’s face when she tastes my purslane.”
Third Course
Brooke:
Shirley:
Holy shit, a baby pig shank? Now you’re speaking my language. That sounds like something I’d order from my kitchen slaves if I was an eccentric arch duke. “And make sure the connective tissue is extra gelatinous, you mutton heads, or else I’ll have you fed to the pheasants!”
This dish would be hard to beat even if Brooke hadn’t made pork and farty beans with sloppy seconds purslane. Shirley wins round three going away.
Fourth Course/Dessert
Shirley:
Brooke:
I wish the show had gone into more detail about how exactly Shirley made rice pudding with no rice. Liquid nitrogen was apparently involved, but that was for the “snow” on top, right? In any case, the judges said she “hit it out of the park.” “One of the best desserts ever.” With Padma saying it was her favorite dish of the night (what?! I thought a-she like-a the spice!). (For the record, Gail said Brooke’s octopus was her favorite of the night).
And then there was Brooke’s. Is there anything that more consistently trips up Top Chef chefs than creamy custards? And what’s the upside there? Brooke must’ve thought she was custard queen after she won a challenge with a panna cotta, but it bit her in the ass here when she couldn’t deal with Mexico’s sub-par ovenry.
The only upside was that Brooke’s dish gave Tom an even bitchier-sounding criticism than his word problem about Shirley’s crudo proportions. “I love chamomile, but I couldn’t taste it!”
Bro, you love chamomile? C’mon, no one “loves” chamomile. Chamomile is not for dessert. Chamomile is for sore throats and school librarians with low blood pressure.
So, we had two dishes that Shirley won easily and two that Brooke won easily. If this was an MMA fight, I’d weight the later rounds more heavily, but with food it’s the opposite. Dessert is more like extra credit than a course in its own right. Also, Brooke probably got a sympathy bump from the judges not wanting to see her lose in another finale after kind of dominating for an entire season, again.
Boy, I’m taking this very seriously, aren’t I? In any case, Brooke got the win, but Shirley got arguably the most emotional moment of the entire season when her mom had to try to figure out how to say “I’m very proud of you” in English. Man, that was cute as hell.
If I could have any TV personality comfort me in my time of need, it would be Gail Simmons.
In fact, if watching that made you tear up a little it wouldn’t make you any less tough. Hypothetically speaking. I mean, that’s what I told my friend, anyway. He was the one who said he teared up. Ha, what a dork.
https://twitter.com/chfshirleychung/status/837497244475666432/photo/1
Congratulations to this season’s winner, Biscuits. I hope she celebrates with chamomile cake and hibiscus-scented balloons.
