New Fantasy Site Makes Pacman Jones Quasi-Valuable

06.17.10 8 years ago 6 Comments

My fun is your fantasy points.

Sometimes in life you have to reward bad boy behavior. Tell me, who would you rather be; Darth Vader or Luke Skywalker? Who sold more shoes, Allen Iverson or Grant Hill? Would you rather spend a night throwing firecrackers at stray cats or playing horseshoes with your great uncle? It’s time we acknowledge that being bad is almost as awesome as the COPS theme song.

Tank Johnson may be totally useless to fantasy teams and NFL franchises alike, but with Fantasy UnSports his inability to comply with federal law and large cache of heavy artillery makes him the golden boy who may lead you to fantasy glory.

Let’s face it, the off-the-field stuff is bigger news these days than in-game performance is anyway.  Quick quiz, who knows which former NFL running back has fathered as many as 11 kids with as many as 10 different women?  I see everyone has their hand raised, including Mr. Henry.  Now, who remembers which running back had more runs of 10+ yards in the 2008-2009 season?

We award points based on what athletes do everywhere EXCEPT on the field. DUI? 50 points. Failed drug test? 25 points. Homicide? 500 points. 15 touchdowns in a season? Zero, zip, nada. I don’t care. -Fantasy UnSports

This opens the door for so many more fantasy topics. There could be fantasy pre-school bad boy for bored teachers aids that rewards eating glue, calling the teacher ‘mom’ and smearing finger paint on girls’ blouses. Maybe even a twisted version of horse betting, where horses that are put down on the track equal fantasy points. It’d make my life if a group of people broke into raucous cheering at the Kentucky Derby after the horse they picked in their thoroughbred death pool was offed.

I’m just glad that somebody made a fantasy sports alternative and it’s not fantasy congress. If it were socially acceptable to assault nerds, those AP US History kids who spent their day bragging about how Senator John Boehner got them 80 points for passing a tricycle safety law would have a hard time explaining to their pediatrician why they have shards of Captain Kangaroo underwear embedded in their colon.

This fantasy sports criminal game sounds like another good excuse to avoid your family, plus your constant examining of the national police blotter will enable you to impress your friends with your encyclopedic knowledge of all the pedophiles who live near their kids.

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