TV

The Winners And Losers From The 2019 Golden Globes

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Well, that certainly happened! Yup, it really did, all of it. I know because I watched it, all of it, from beginning to end, for you. The 2019 Golden Globes were… something that happened. Awards were handed out to… people. Were they the right people? Probably not! I don’t know! What a night.

Anyway, before we get to the winners and losers from the ceremony, let’s all remember the two most important things about awards season:

  • Awards season is all very silly but, if we insist on doing it, we should at least try to give the awards to deserving winners
  • The Golden Globes are insane

Okay, here we go.

WINNER — Jeff Bridges

Jeff Bridges won the Cecil B. DeMille Award for career achievement. This is an important thing to mention because it was deserved and Jeff Bridges rules. It is also important to mention because he was announced as the recipient well before the show started, which makes his delightful rambling “let’s all be boats, man” acceptance speech fascinating on a number of levels. I’ve been thinking about it all night and I see three possibilities.

Possibility number one: That whole thing was scripted and Jeff Bridges is such an incredible actor that he made everyone think he was just up there freeform associating about how to steer large floating vessels in the open sea.

Possibility number two: His people told him he won the award and should write a speech to deliver to millions of people on live television in a tuxedo and Jeff Bridges was just like “Nah, I got this. I’ll figure out it out” and then his mind just naturally drifted to boat rudders about halfway through and he rolled with it.

Possibility number three: Jeff Bridges straight-up forgot he was getting the award.

The best part: All of these options are iconic. Jeff Bridges is the greatest. I wish I could buy an entire album of him just reading and rambling to me as I drift off to sleep OH WAIT I CAN.

Folks, I am pleased to report that I downloaded this last night after the Golden Globes and there is a full two minutes of Jeff Bridges humming. Just humming. We must protect him.

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LOSER — You, Probably

I hear you out there. You’re saying, “Hang on, Brian. Why did you lead this recap with the Jeff Bridges thing? I want to talk about how The Kominsky Method won a bunch of comedy awards over The Good Place and how Green Book won a bunch of awards over more deserving movies and how freaking Bohemian Rhapsody won Best Drama, for the love of God. When do we talk about that? I’m angry. This injustice cannot stand!”

A fair point. My answer would be as follows: The Golden Globes are crazy and have always been crazy — remember when Mozart in the Jungle won Best TV Comedy a few years ago? — and again, award shows are mostly silly, in general. I would urge you to focus less on the winners and losers and more on the show itself. Carol Burnett was there! Emma Stone shouted “I’m sorry!” from the crowd when the topic of her role in Aloha came up! Rachel Weisz said the phrase “tongue-lashing” in a way that will probably result in a dozen FCC complaints. Enjoy the ride, I guess.

But, yeah. These animals didn’t even nominate Paddington 2 for Best Animated Movie. What did you expect?

WINNER — Sandra Oh and Andy Samberg

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The key to “winning” as a host in 2019 is basically just not losing. It’s a weird time. People are waiting to jump on anything and bury you for it, whether it’s an off-color joke or a bungled pronunciation or just a bad comedy bit. Samberg and Oh were — are, really — super charming and fun and they kept things light and breezy. I don’t think they’ll go down as legendary hosts like the Fey/Poehler duo that carried the ceremony for a few years, but they goofed around and avoided the obvious booby traps and kept cutting to Sandra Oh’s parents, who seem cool as heck. Solid B+, which is all anyone can ask for right now, especially considering the Oscars are in a few weeks and still don’t have a host.

LOSER — The Flu Shot Bit

We’re filing this under “loser” only because it fell a little flat, but please do note that it was hilarious for unintended reasons. Think about it this way: Imagine you’re a celebrity in attendance while this is breaking out. You’ve got to make a split-second calculation in your head.

Option one: You decline the flu shot — maybe you already got one or maybe you don’t like the idea of getting something injected into your arm by a stranger on live television, both reasonable justifications — and run the risk of looking like either a stick in the mud who won’t play along with a gag OR the type of person who doesn’t get flu shots. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, VIGGO MORTENSON? GET A FLU SHOT. WE’RE TRYING TO HAVE A SOCIETY HERE!

Option two: You say “Ah, screw it” and let the kid stick you to be a good sport on television and then either a) spend the night Googling “is it safe to get two flu vaccine shots?” or b) reveal yourself as someone who didn’t get a flu shot until freaking January and even then only did it because you were peer pressured into it on live television by the guy who sang “Dick in a Box.”

I guess that’s Hollywood for you, man.

WINNER — British People, Generally

Truly a magical night for literally any British person in attendance. Richard Madden won for Bodyguard, Ben Whishaw (Paddington!) won for A Very English Scandal, Olivia Colman won for The Favourite, Christian Bale won for Vice. Hell, Sandra Oh won for playing an American lady who happens to live in England. These wins ranged from Very Deserved (Colman, Oh) to Ehhhh (Madden), but the lesson here is, to whatever degree you can help it, try to be from England or at least the United Kingdom.

This is also where we mention that Idris Elba seemed to get a little choked up while introducing his daughter as the person who escorts winners off the stage. We mention this here because we don’t have another category where it will fit and it was quite adorable.

WINNER — The Comedic Stylings Of Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph

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Just the greatest. I love both of them so much. Maya Rudolph could host any of these shows by herself and probably should someday, if she so desires. And Amy Poehler is a ton of fun to watch on these types of shows because she always has a mischievous twinkle in her eye that seems to say “I just thought of a much funnier joke but I definitely can’t say it on live network television.” Legends.

LOSER — Whoever Was In Charge Of Playing People Off

Tough night for this guy. The speeches in the beginning all went pretty long so then they tried to tighten it up a bit. Okay so far. But first they tried to play off Regina King in the middle of a stirring speech and had to stop the music and let her finish and then, once the “we can stop the play-off music if your speech is important enough” precedent was set, they got shouted down by Peter Farrelly and did it a second time. There’s no great solution here, I think. And now that celebrities know they can overrule the orchestra, I mean, this could get out of hand. Maybe next year we just tell everyone “you have 30 seconds and then we cut the mic, no exceptions.” That would be really, really funny. I vote we try it.

WINNER — Bradley Cooper

Bradley Cooper got shut out at the Golden Globes. He lost as an actor and as a director and his beloved passion project of a film took home one award for a song and that was it. It could have gone better on the awards front, is what I’m saying.

So why do I have him listed as a winner? Simple. Because Bradley Cooper is a diehard Eagles fan and that means he probably watched the end of that football game — with its insane twists and double-doink missed field goals and puke-inducing emotional tilt-a-whirl — on his phone at a table right in front of the stage, at the Golden Globes, in a tuxedo, while sitting next to Lady Gaga. Had to be completely surreal. And then the ceremony just, like, started, minutes later and he had to co-present the first award. Imagine him screaming at the table and trying to explain the legend of Nick Foles to Gaga. I would have paid extra for a live feed of it.

But I do wonder if the two things were related. I mean…

Worth it. Go Birds.

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