We’re two days out from election day and we still don’t know who the next president of the United States will be. There are indications that we might know by the end of today… or maybe not until the weekend. No one knows what the hell is going to happen and, frankly, it’s created a lot of stress.
Granted, we always knew that this election was going to be different — with millions of Americans changing their voting habits in response to the COVID-19 pandemic — but we definitely weren’t ready for the stress of having to watch two elderly men slowly box it out over a few thousand votes across Arizona, Nevada, Georgia, and Pennsylvania. That sh*t will exhaust you.
No one in the public eye quite captures the confusion and despair of election week like celebrity chef Alton Brown. Brown’s unique brand of commentary began simply enough, with a tweet that read: “No matter what happens tomorrow, we’ll still have tiny chocolate doughnuts” on the eve of the election. Since that jumping-off point, his tweets have devolved into word salads that are both borderline incomprehensible and also perfectly apt for this strange social/political moment.
Over the past two days, Brown has taken fans on a wild ride — from drinking jaeger in the shower to juicing Slim Jims to a strange tirade about litigation over pineapples.
I'M TALKING ABOUT PIPING SPAGHETTIOS INTO STALE TWINKIES AND EATING THEM NAKED IN THE SHOWER WITH A BOTTLE OF JAEGER
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT CRAZY LOOKS LIKE? I'VE GOT MARSHMALLOW FLUFF AND THREE FEET OF GARDEN HOSE! YOU WANNA DANCE?
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
TWO WORDS: RANCH…STINGS.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
CANNED FRUIT SALAD AND CHEEZE WIZ WITH HERSHEY'S SYRUP AND GIN
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
Turn off the lights and run 23 Slim Jims through the juicer.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
I'm not drunk. You're drunk.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 4, 2020
I'm blaming pineapple…for everything. EVERYTHING.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 5, 2020
https://twitter.com/altonbrown/status/1324469347054718977
All we have to say is: we feel for you, Alton. As Kurosawa once said: “In a mad world, only the mad are sane.”