Last Tuesday, a Canadian ultra-marathoner named Donny Stone found himself being stalked by two deadly cougars during a training run near Grand Prairie, Alberta (via CBC News). And while the standard reaction to being stalked by two deadly cougars is usually:
A) Open your jacket to make yourself appear bigger.
So as to better display your meaty haunches to the apex predator.
B) Make noise.
So nearby cougars will be notified that brunch will soon be served.
C) Shoot the cougar with pepper spray.
So that your torso will be especially well-seasoned with a pleasant hint of residual pepper spray.
D) Loudly and thoroughly soil yourself.
So you may take some small comfort in the final seconds of your existence that at least one bite of your delicious flesh will taste like terror poo.
Instead, Mr. Stone chose to…
E) Calmly ward off the dual cougar attack while recording the entire thing on his cellphone.
Mr. Stone fended off the cougars with a “bear banger” and a spritz of expertly aimed bear spray, though it remains unclear how he had room for these devices in his jogging shorts with his dangerously swollen testicles. In fact, Mr. Stone was so brave — and disturbingly mellow — during the encounter that he can almost (author’s note: almost) be forgiven for filming it vertically with his cellphone.
And with a recent uptick in both cougar population and attacks in Canada, let’s hope that Mr. Stone’s heroic actions will inspire cougars to restore their previously warm relations with the citizens of the Great White North.
