Sometimes, when I’m having a particularly bad day, I think of Maureen Dowd. I don’t think of her Pulitzer, though, or the fascinating interviews she conducts. I don’t even think about the fact that, atop her many other accomplishments, she was named Glamour’s Woman of The Year in the late ‘90s. She didn’t need that distinction — her house is already groaning under the weight of the plaques and statuettes that validate her prowess — but she got it anyway.
No, the Maureen Dowd I think of is the one laying in a Colorado hotel room, stoned out of her mind on a marijuana-infused candy bar and trying to hold it together even though she’s certain that death (death!) is just a few moments away. That image never fails to make me feel a little bit better. And it’s one that has also helped me through at least three panic attacks I’ve had after accidentally eating too much of a $7 brownie, if you know what I mean.
It’s true: Marijuana edibles can get you too high. And there are many people — Maureen Dowd included — who have sworn them off because they’re too unpredictable and, often, too potent. But they’re also effective, non-smelly, and, with the marijuana industry blossoming into a beautiful purple bush, the dosing’s becoming more standardized. More importantly, the treats you can buy at your local dispensary are becoming not just edible but actually delicious.
So let’s take a tour of some of the most delightful weed-infused offerings you can partake in on 4/20 (and beyond). Just remember two things: Check the label for THC content and slow. the. hell. down. No, really: since the biggest problem with edibles is that one second you’re not feeling them and the next you’ve melted out of your skin and are halfway to Uranus (you’d find that joke hilarious if you were high RN) you’ve got to remember to pace yourself or risk Dowding out.
Let’s start with the brownie.
If you know anything about edibles, you know that the most revered item on any true edible connoisseur’s list of favorites is the good old-fashioned chocolate brownie. It used to be that that was the only way to eat marijuana and still have it taste good (not so, anymore!). Sure you can get your fix via gummies and lollipops now, but making a weed brownie is still a time-honored 4/20 tradition. Check out Leafly’s brownie brackets here — yep, even Mario Batali’s much-maligned creation is put to the test — and then try The Cannabist’s Triple Chocolate confection, which is so “next level” it even beat out the brownie recipe conceived by the mother of Leafly’s editor.
If you’re feeling really adventurous — and have a high tolerance — you could also try a Korova brownie. Korova products come in all varieties (blondies, mint, gluten-free peanut butter!) and are guaranteed to blast you into the stratosphere. No, really, eat a little and see how you feel. I smoke weed every day and a few bites have me hearing colors and tasting sounds about 45 minutes later. Once, on vacation, I stood in the same place for 15 minutes and just giggled. Pretty good time!
Don’t wait until you’re high to carbo-load; carbo-load to hit the solar system!
You know that feeling you get about halfway through your high when you feel like you could eat the entire world or at least die trying? It’s when you forget that you’re on a diet, that it’s 3am, and that you should really be asleep right now and start looking through all your delivery apps instead. And what sounds the best (and is the only thing open)? Your favorite pizza place. Hell yeah! Bring on those sweet sweet carbs.
But what if you could actually eat pizza to get high? What would that be like? Are you ready for that responsibility? If so, you can check out how to make cannabis pizza sauce here (pesto option!) or if you live in an area where Clean Healing is sold, you can buy a jar of already prepared sauce (one jar makes one pizza!) to slather onto your dough. Want to medicate the dough, too? Check out this recipe for weed-infused bread and make your own modifications.
Snack. It. Up.
Sometimes you don’t want want brownies, you don’t want pizza, and not even pot-infused mac & cheese sounds like it’ll hit the spot. Want something a little smaller? A little less commitment? More fluff. You’re hosting a 4/20 party, not a dinner. We get it. How about some cannabis-infused potato chips? Bet you can’t eat just one. Or ten. Actually, you may want to stop at 10. No, what are you doing! That’s too much! No, don’t dip that chip into the ranc— yes, the pretzels are medicated, too! And the popcorn. And the nuts. Just eat a carrot! A carrot! They’re right there.
Not your style? Try a weed Oreo that’s allegedly so easy to make that everyone’s doing it. Oreos not your style? Sugar cookies might be! Chocolate chip? Not even the oatmeal raisin — the wet blanket of cookies — is left behind. In only a few short hours you could turn your kitchen into a near-professional bakery! And your friends will thank you for it. As will anyone who hates the smell of marijuana smoke.
Drink weed every day!
Who says that you have to chew in order to have a good time? Now that enterprising entrepreneurs have found a way to get weed into everything — yes, chewing gum included — it’s no surprise that we’ve moved from rice krispie treats and cotton candy into an exciting new venue: Drinkables. Want weed coffee? That exists (and. it. is. strong) and so does weed tea (although you’ll have to make it yourself). If you’re in Washington, you can even pick up a couple of keurig-compatible pods just bursting with flavor.
And then there’s soda. SODA! It’s one of the few things you can’t make at home, but if you live in a state where marijuana sales are legal, then you’ll want to get a can of Sprig, which tastes like Fresca but is much more potent. At 45mg a can, this THC-infused beverage’s bubbles will make you feel like you’re ready for anything, whether it’s getting some work done or working out. Just be careful: the effects can (and will) sneak up on you. So if you’re planning on drinking an entire can, maybe do it in shifts. Drink a fourth (10-12mg is about the standard dose for someone who’s familiar with marijuana), wait 90 minutes, and then drink some more. Be careful when you’re celebrating! This much THC can really pack a punch! (But you’re not going to die; not even Maureen Dowd.)
Ready for dessert? Indulge in this cannabis-infused candy shell.
Remember begging your parents to buy you the chocolate syrup that hardened as soon as it hit the ice cream? Remember how magical it was to watch it glop out onto your dessert and then harden right before your eyes as if by some miracle? Well, you can have all that again and then some. Because this recipe for a chocolate shell is easy to make, delicious to eat, and will turn a pleasant afternoon of eating ice cream and watching TV into actual bliss. Use some indica in this bad boy and you’ll be both satisfied and couch-locked for hours. What could be nicer? Maybe just one more spoonful?
Want to celebrate but don’t want to indulge?
Listen, just because it’s 4/20 doesn’t mean you have to go all out. Yeah, your friends and neighbors (probably even your relatives — we see you grandma!) are dazed and confused, but you don’t have to be. If you want to get into the spirit, though, you could check out your nearest Freebirds World Burrito (that’s the place that makes the really huge burritos) for their Pot Brownies (which are returning as a promotional item today!). You won’t get any weed in these, but these unique round brownies will definitely give you a sugar high. (Source: I once bought one expecting to get high AF because I didn’t understand how laws work and still really enjoyed them, even without the buzz.)