(These logos are the work of David Rappoccio. You can find him on Twitter at @drawplaydave.)
We’re at an exciting time for both Game of Thrones and the NFL season, as Super Bowl 53, the final game of season, is upon us. And so is the final season of GoT! And much like many of the show’s conflicts over the years, we have a compelling final showdown in the NFL between the New England Patriots and Los Angeles Rams. The Rams are young, hungry, and set to challenge the New England dynasty that’s basically ruled the NFL for a very long time.
Whether Super Bowl 53 is the moment the Patriots dynasty finally ends is still something we probably won’t know after the game’s finish, but it is an interesting narrative. And one that gives us an excellent opportunity to mix the NFL and Game of Thrones. We have done plenty of NBA and NFL logo redesigns around these parts. Sometimes tying sports to a non-athletic theme is a stretch. But bringing together Game of Thrones and the NFL makes perfect sense. They’re two of the most popular and talked about things on television, they both have plenty of violence and, in the end, pretty much everyone ends up worse for wear.
To be clear, there are some mild spoilers here if you’re pretty far behind. But what are you waiting for? Once the Patriots or Rams emerge victorious on Sunday, your weekends are free of the NFL for months. That’s the perfect time to binge HBO’s preimere Sunday night programming just in time for the final season. So, SPOILER WARNING, but only for those who aren’t caught up on the series, and even then, we really aren’t giving away much.
Teams are organized by division, and if you disagree with a selection, that’s too bad. This list was formulated by a team of scientists working day and night for months to calculate the best fit for each character. You can’t argue with science.
Dallas Cowboys – Joffrey Baratheon (Lannister)
An overinflated sense of entitlement a massive ego. Joffrey thinks Joffrey is the greatest, but really everyone just hates him.
Philadelphia Eagles – Sansa Stark
Endless dumb trades. Sounds like Sansa’s entire tenure on the show and sounds like the Eagles front office for years. Every time things look up, something terrible happens and everyone wonders when the nightmare will end. And then, all at once, it does! Maybe things will be fine now who knows the end is coming soon anyway, right?
New York Giants – The Mountain
The Mountain is a very large man. You could call him a giant, really. GET IT?
Washington Redskins – Cersei Lannister
A once great queen, she’s now mostly relegated to public embarrassment. And dealing with those Stark girls trying to get revenge.
Detroit Lions – Tyrion Lannister
Before you get mad about wishing Tyrion were a better team, think about this — besides being a Lion (the Lannisters’ symbol), Tyrion has been a beloved character who everybody roots for, but essentially lives in a cruel and hateful world that is unfair to him in every way. That’s basically how the Lions have felt for decades. Everyone roots for Tyrion and the Lions, except the world in which they live.
Green Bay Packers – Jaime Lannister
You know those Packers fans who won’t shut up about how great and historic their team is? How great their QB is? How important their franchise is to the league? That smug sense of self importance and belief of being simply better than other teams describes Jaime pretty well.
Minnesota Vikings – Theon Greyjoy
The Iron Born in the series are basically Westeros’ version of Vikings. Plus, Theon got castrated much the same way Vikings fans get castrated every time they have hope in the playoffs.
Chicago Bears – Brienne of Tarth
Brienne fought a bear, she’s the size of a bear, and she looks like a bear. Also, she seems to lose everything she’s tried to guard, kind of like how Mitch Trubisky always breaks his oath and throws the ball to the other team.
New Orleans Saints – The High Sparrow
The High Sparrow is a holy man (SAINT, GET IT?) who gave up all that was important in his life and started fresh from scratch, devoting himself to a higher power, kind of like when the residents of New Orleans started to pray to Drew Brees.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Grey Worm
Look, Tampa Bay, Slaver’s Bay (the location of Astapor, Grey Worm’s home), you get it.
Atlanta Falcons – Ygritte
The Falcons are easy to fall in love with and have a lot going for them. But inevitably, they hit a wall, everything falls apart and they die. Sound familiar?
Carolina Panthers – Daario Naharis
Daario is smooth and sultry and makes some people slightly uncomfortable with how sexy he is, like a white middle aged version of Cam Newton. Also, if you’ve read the books, you know that he has a blue beard. No, I’m not kidding, the books get weird.
Arizona Cardinals – Melisandre
The Cardinals are a team named after a bird, which is named after the color that bird is, which is red. Melisandre is the red woman. Also, she’s capable of raising the dead, and so can the Arizona Cardinals (see: Carson Palmer and Kurt Warner’s careers).
San Francisco 49ers – Tywin Lannister
A former great power who died on the toilet due to hubris. (I mean, have you even watched the 49ers lately?) Tywin was a big important power from the western coast who built his name on gold.
Los Angeles Rams – Littlefinger
The Rams are loyal to no one. They do their own thing and have their own secret agenda. Like moving from St. Louis to L.A.
Seattle Seahawks – Arya
Arya is a small force of nature (Russell Wilson). But honestly Arya is trying to learn how to be a nameless face in the crowd, capable of bandwagoning anything at any time, like a true 12.
New England Patriots – Ramsay Bolton
Ramsay cheats to win and is the most evil thing put on television, and everyone was eager to see him finally die.
Miami Dolphins – The Red Viper
Dorne is kind of like Florida, and the Red Viper’s rather gruesome end is pretty much what happens to Ryan Tannehill on every dropback (my god, get that man an offensive line before he dies).
Buffalo Bills – The White Walker King
You’d turn into a cold, evil husk if you lived in upstate New York, too. Orchard Park is basically full of wildlings on Sundays, though I’m not sure if they have folding tables in Westeros.
New York Jets – Daenerys Targaryen
The Jets get a lot of hype every year, but each time we think they might actually do something, they get stuck in a rut not doing what we want them to do and just TAKE OVER WESTEROS/AFC EAST ALREADY PLEASE STOP WASTING OUR TIME AND DO THAT THING YOU HAVE BEEN PROMISING FOR SIX SEASONS. Also, Jets fly fast, like dragons.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Stannis Baratheon
The Steelers have won six Super Bowls and are convinced they’re the king of the NFL. They have a legitimate claim to the throne, but they also have certain leaders on their team who have probably done pretty horrible things.
Cleveland Browns – The Hound
Dawg Pound. The Hound. Just accept that for once, the Browns are the best on a list.
Cincinnati Bengals – Robb Stark
Such promise, such potential, then they get close and bad stuff happens.
Baltimore Ravens – Varys
The Ravens are a smaller market team that people tend to forget about, but are consistently one of the big behind-the-scenes threats to do damage every season. Although we still don’t know if Varys is an elite spy.
Tennessee Titans – Bran Stark
Instead of living in the present and watching the current Titans, everyone would much prefer to flash back to the franchise’s glory days of Warren Moon or Earl Campbell.
Indianapolis Colts – Hodor
Andrew Luck kind of sounds like Hodor, and he’s constantly carrying the team on his back.
Houston Texans – Davos Seaworth
Davos is a competent player who nobody hates, but doesn’t seem to get a lot of respect anyway. But he’s still around, he’s got all the tools, something has to happen with him eventually, right?
Jacksonville Jaguars – Jorah Mormont
Always a bridesmaid, hoping for that one true love known as the playoffs, but stuck in the regular season friendzone.
Los Angeles Chargers – Bronn
Bronn gives his loyalty to the highest bidder. L.A. offered the most money, though, so now he hangs out in a soccer stadium.
Kansas City Chiefs – Eddard Stark
Andy Reid is a loyal, stubborn man who is set in his ways and will continue to call bad timeouts even if it ultimately leads to his team dying every year.
Oakland Raiders – Jon Snow
Take the black hole. The Raiders and the Night’s Watch are teams historically known for ruffians, dirty players, and generally being bad. Then recently they came back from the dead and started to look more important than ever. Like Westeros, the league is better when the Raiders are good.
Denver Broncos – Khal Drogo
The Dothraki are horselords. Peyton Manning was a leader of those horses, and like Khal Drogo, he’s dead.
That’s it! If you need more football smashed up with Game of Thrones, you might want to check out a post where I made up an entire fictional football league based in Westeros.