Starbucks’ New Frapuccino Will Make You Forget That The Unicorn Frap Ever Existed

05.02.17 3 months ago 2 Comments

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The Unicorn Frapuccino has come and gone, and in its wake, we’re left shivering and confused. The Unicorn was the manic pixie dream drink for all of us. Beautiful and flighty. Wild and free from the convention of how a drink “should taste.” Our interaction was brief, and yet…she changed the way we thought about coffee. Made us reevaluate the mundanity of our brief existence on this planet.

“I don’t want this corporate job,” we all said when we saw its delightful, color swirling whipped cream. “I don’t want this frigid, vanilla frapuccino with its rules of decorum and weekly missionary position sex. I want surprises. I want color. I want to take off all my clothes and dance in the rain.”

One look at the Unicorn, and we all decided to quit our jobs in the middle of a meeting with the “big client” we’d been trying to land for months (with a fantastically dramatic monologue about seizing life) and go on a spontaneous road trip with the Unicorn Frapuccino to throw our father’s ashes into the ocean. IT WAS TIME TO EMBRACE LIFE.

Then we tried the Unicorn Frap. And realized that it was filled with empty promises, and probably stayed up all night to look at the stars because of a raging cocaine addiction. It wasn’t flighty in a good way, more like a “skips out on tabs at restaurants” kind of way, was wanted for crimes in several states, and left a really sour taste in our mouths. Unable to get our jobs back, and now living in a van in our brother’s driveway, we have many regrets about the entire debacle.

But it’s time to trust again, folks. Because Starbucks is making it up to us with a new drink, a better drink. Cue the Midnight Mint Mocha Frappuccino. Starbucks announced the delicious new offering today, and it sounds wonderful. The frappuccino is layered with extra dark cocoa, infused with cooling mint sugar crystals, and cut with an extra layer of whip cream. Everyone is saying it tastes exactly like a thin mint cookie, and there is no way things could go so horribly wrong this time (we say with a scared little laugh). A thin mint frappuccino is exactly what the doctor ordered. AND WE CANNOT WAIT TO OPEN OUR HEARTS AND LOVE AGAIN.

Starbucks also announced that they will be bringing back the S’mores Frappuccino for all of us who have missed it so much that we’ve tried ordering versions off the “secret menu.” Both are available now.

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