49ers’ New Stadium Gonna Be So Futurewave

03.15.12 6 years ago 23 Comments

The 49ers had been fighting to get a new stadium to replace drafty, MNF blackout-prone Candlestick Park for pretty much forever. Last month, the team finally got a site approved in Santa Clara for a stadium to be built by the 2014 season. So now comes the usual messy business of approving designs and dealing with cost overruns. It’s a shame they don’t have Peter King’s architect quarterbacks, Eli Manning and Andrew Luck, to take the lead on this. Anyway, people are flipping out because the cost has ballooned to $1.2 billion, with the odd side item that $50 million has been budgeted into the project for technology that doesn’t even exist yet. Makes sense, as the Niners home market includes Silicon Valley and fans are gonna need a place that accommodates the next eight generations of the iPad.

But what other technological marvels could be on the way? While media reports are vague on the matter, we pressed our many well-placed sources to clue us in on what’s to come.

Automated clapping hands
Raiders fan vaporizers – fatal sense
49ers fan vaporizers – fun sense
Joe Montana instant cloning device
Seat warmers
Seat coolers
Seat temperature maintainers
Holographic seat fillers
Breathalyzer activated in-seat beer taps
In-seat zoom lenses focused on cheerleaders
Suicide machines
Hand enlarging ray for Alex Smith
Teleportation stations to beat the traffic
Really massive grow light
Stadium generator powered by pretentious farts
Urinals that track personal information from your pee
Glowing on-field first down lines that are only a little toxic
Dubstep DJ available to be peed on in every restroom
Dippin’ Dots: the ice cream of the future

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