12.16.08 9 years ago 237 Comments

Will Leitch is a wonderful human being.  I enjoy his writing, and I don’t particularly disagree with his assessment in his weekly power rankings that the Steelers are the best team in the NFL at this moment.  (I don’t particularly agree with it, either, but that’s because power rankings are gay and exist only for people to argue pointlessly about something that the playoff system resolves for us.)

What I take issue with is Leitch’s foolhardy sentiment that accompanies the ranking:

1. Pittsburgh Steelers (11-3). Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the world’s only likable juggernaut franchise. I’m not sure why nobody hates the Steelers they way they hate the Cowboys, or the Yankees, or the Red Sox, or the Lakers, but they just don’t.

AU CONFUCKINGTRAIRE, mon backwater frere.  They just DO.  The Steelers are likable in precisely the way that the Yankees, or Manchester United, or the Wehrmacht is likable.  The Steelers are the cancer of football teams: it usually wins, it’s a depressing pain in the ass, and anyone who cheers for it is an asshole.

Go ahead and count me as Pittburgh Steeler Hater Number One.  I fucking LOATHE the Steelers.  I despise them far more than any other franchise on the planet.  And that’s saying a lot, because if the Italian national soccer team’s chartered jet collided with the Yankees’ team plane, I’d happily burn my penis jerking off on the flaming wreckage.

And you know what’s most irritating about the Steelers?  It’s that Leitch’s statement has an element of truth: the team itself is, indeed, somewhat likable.  Now that Joey Porter’s taken his fucktardery to Miami, Pittsburgh doesn’t have much in the way of egregiously repugnant assholes on the roster.  Polamalu’s hair is annoying, but I like the way he plays.  James Harrison is a badass.  Hines Ward is annoyingly, quietly good.  I dislike Roethlisberger, but mostly because he sheds sacks so easily.

No, what makes the Steelers the most loathsome team in all of sports are their dickface fans.  The front-running fucks who fill up sports bars in their jerseys all over the country.  Funny how Pittsburgh is one of the smallest markets in the NFL, penned in regionally by teams from Cleveland, Cincinnati, and Philadelphia,  and yet its fans are miraculously strewn all over the country in large numbers.  Why, it’s almost as if most of them only became die-hard fans because the team is so successful!

These are the intellectual midgets who will point out that I, as a Seahawks fan, am only bitter because of Super Bowl XL.  To which I say, FUCKING GODDAMN RIGHT.  And I will be until the day I die.  I’m entitled to this bitterness.  It’s what Seahawks fans got instead of a victory parade.  Because, you know, some fans cheer for teams that DON’T go to the playoffs every year, some fans DON’T bitch about the offensive line’s play when the team is 11-3, and some fans DON’T still bitch about Kordell Stewart a decade later when other fans suffered through Kelly Stouffer at quarterback.

FUCK YOU, Steelers fans.  Fuck your shitty city, fuck your shitty field, fuck your excellent football team, and FUCK YOU.


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