A couple points of order before we get to today’s mailbag.
1. If you’re reading this, there’s a pretty good chance you like fantasy football. If that’s the case, go join With Leather’s free fantasy challenge for a chance to win $250. Again: it’s free. Go for it.
2. Today is the 236th birthday of the Marine Corps, and I can’t very well let something like that go by without mentioning it. If you’re the sort of person who might be down for some Veterans Day reading, please check out the piece I wrote for The Classical about sports and the veteran experience. I’d appreciate it.
3. Regarding the veteran thing through the lens of this mailbag, let me just say that the old saw about women digging men in uniform is a bunch of garbage. I mean, perhaps it’s true, but its practical application is almost nil. When I was 19 or 20, I was dead-certain that my dress blues were going to get me laid. Absolutely not true, people. What the recruiters fail to tell you is that you’ll be sequestered on bases in the middle of nowhere far away from desirable women, and any major city with lots of military personnel (D.C., San Diego) is filled with women who are weary of the drunken antics of servicemen. So if you’re looking to capitalize on women who swoon for a man in uniform, aim for reserve duty in a wealthy southern town near an SEC campus. I wish someone would have told me that 12 years ago.
Let’s go to your emails.
Fantasy- First of all, can you evaluate the 3 way trade I made this week? I gave up Vick, V. Cruz, and Roddy White and in return got Forte, Steve Smith, and Roethlisberger.
You definitely came out ahead. Forte and Smith are light years ahead of Cruz and White this season, and while I wouldn’t want to ride the Big Ben fantasy roller coaster, it’s not like Vick is having the super-season that was expected of him.
Sex- Got a gf, great sex life but do you have any condom recommendations? The ones I’m using now are OK but I just need something that gives some more feeling. Got a favorite?
I always liked the Trojans that came in the gray packaging. Hold on, let me do a Google search to get the exact name.
[sounds of typing]
Ah, here we go: Trojan Ultra-Thin Lubricated. You can buy them on Amazon and avoid that awkward moment when the drug-store clerk is a woman.
Captain of the cavemen,
Fantasy q – I’m in a new work league where trading has been incredibly difficult. None of my tactics (questioning their manhood) has worked and the league overall has only had 1 trade. My team isn’t terrible, but it’s not exactly great. I feel like I need to make a deal but not sure if this is the right one. Basically, I need trade approval here since I’m not sure if I’m fiending for a trade or this is actually a solid deal.
My current RB corps – Mendenhall, Felix, DeMarco, Ingram, Tate, Ogbonnaya, Knowshon
WRs – Fitz and Dez, Decker, Baldwin Bros
QB – Josh Freeman
I’ve worked on something where I’m sending both Felix and DeMarco and getting Tebow and Desean Jackson in return. My RB2 situation might get a bit hairy, but Murray and Felix have to start splitting carries right? Is this a good time to sell high? There’s no RBs on the waiver wire except for Helu and Tashard Choice, so I would most likely be stuck choosing between Tate and Ingram.
That’s not a bad trade. DeSean’s had an uneven, disappointing season, but he can still come through with big games, and Tebow’s actually pretty good to have as a fantasy quarterback (all those rushing yards are a nice boost). Oh, and pick Helu off the wire — that 100-yard receiving game isn’t going to happen every week, but it’s worth having those Skins running backs in your rotation if you’re willing to follow Mike Shanahan’s weekly whims.
Sex – I’m married and have been recently traveling for 3 nights a week for work. This means a lot of eating and drinking alone. Is it creepy to try and “see if I still have it” by approaching women, knowing that I have a line I wouldn’t cross and nothing would ever come of it? I don’t see how this is any better/worse than being a good wingman, but I doubt that argument would fly in court.
Tommy Boy in Sandusky
Ehhhhhh… not advisable. I admit, as a man in a committed relationship, it’s nice to feel like a virile male desirable to a wide swath of the female species. But it’s one thing to enjoy getting a smile from a stranger, and another thing entirely to approach women to test your game — “but only up until a point! I don’t want to actually make out with her!” As someone who’s out on the road and staying in hotels by himself, it puts you on a slippery slope. Best to just make conversation with the bartender.
Fantasy First: I am royally sucking in my Fantasy League this year. It’s a Dynasty/Auction league with a $250 budget where you keep players based on their Yahoo! estimated price and then bid on the leftovers. At the beginning of the year, I owned Adrian Peterson and Jamaal Charles. I was starting Joe Flacco at QB so I decided to upgrade and traded AP, Reggie Wayne (Curtis Painter Syndrome), and Flacco for Tom Brady, LeGarrette Blount, and Anquan Boldin. Of course Charles blows out his knee a week later and I am stuck starting Blount and Shonn Greene for the rest of the season. I was then offered Philip Rivers, Desean Jackson, and Dexter McCluster (and his juicy dual-eligibilty at WR and RB) for Brady after he went off during the first two weeks. At the time the trade seemed like a no-brainer until Rivers decided to play like a slightly worse Matt Cassel, Desean stopped making big plays, and McCluster wasn’t given any touches at RB/is terrible. I am now 1-8 and losing games by 40 points every week. My question is, were these trades really that horrible to make at the time? Am I crazy to think that anyone would have done the same thing? Am I going to be screwed for the rest of my life in this league?
Those trades seem perfectly reasonable without the gift of hindsight. But this is why I always recommend to wait four weeks into the season before making any big trades. You don’t get a real feeling for teams or players until they’ve had a month of the season to show their colors (or, in some cases, their season-ending knee injuries).
Also, I am a Colts fan. In Boston. In a league with all Patriots fans. It really doesn’t get much worse than that.
You’re right; it really doesn’t get any worse than being a Colts fan. You people are terrible.
The Ladies: I’ve been in a fantastic relationship with a great girl for a year now. This girl has “the one” written all over her and we have discussed moving in together once our leases are up in 6 months. What is the best way to bring this up to my extremely judgmental family without causing them to totally hate my girlfriend? I figure the “better to find out now rather than three months into marriage” is a strong case. Just wondering if you have any tips.
Anxiously Awaiting a Neck Fusion
Before a military attack, artillery or naval gunfire on an enemy position is called “prepping the battlefield.” If you know that there’s a particularly tough hill you have to take, you need to soften up that target, right?
So start prepping the battlefield now. Every time you talk to your parents, you need to talk about how great this girlfriend of yours is — how happy she makes you, how she supports you, how she’s kind and generous (or whatever her positive traits she has that are parent-friendly. Probably best not to say, “Dude, Mom, this girl’s pussy is crazy tight!”). If you’re constantly dropping hints like “I think this girl is the one” to your parents, they’re more likely to take the unholy abomination of premarital cohabitation in stride.
Dear Captain Caveman,
Fantasy First : I started my league 4-0, since then I’ve managed to lose 3 games and I’m tied for the first place in the league. Though I may have one of the best records in my league, I’m concerned about some of my players, particularly my top wide receivers (Fitzgerald and Vincent Jackson). Granted that Jackson had a huge game last week and I needed every bit of it, but he’s becoming increasingly unpredictable. I also have Marques Colston (my flex option), Antonio Brown and Victor Cruz. Should I even think about trading any of my WRs along with injury-plagued Ryan Matthews as I also have a major need for a TE (currently counting on Fred Davis and the skins’ offense)? I also have Michael Turner and Demarco Murray, not to mention my stud QB Aaron Rodgers. I fear that down the road in the playoffs, my roster may not be able to compete with some of the other teams in the league. Am I just overreacting or do I actually need to make some trades?
Yeah, there’s definitely a huge benefit in having a top tight end. If you’re getting 10 to 16 points every week from Jimmy Graham or Rob Gronkowski, you have a distinct advantage over the poor suckers who though Brandon Pettigrew could put up numbers in the Lions offense. (*kicks dirt*) I think it’s worth trying to make a trade.
Sex: I know how much you hate talking about people who need to change their lives, but they’re not willing to take the necessary steps for it. What advice do you have for those who are dedicated to changing their ways to improve their lives? I haven’t had much luck with girls lately and it’s very frustrating. I realize that I need to have a different approach when it comes to dating, but what I’m really lacking is confidence. What can I do to boost my confidence? I’m a pretty decent looking guy, who works out pretty regularly and takes good care of himself. This aspect of my life seems like a riddle to me that I can’t solve. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
The one who never gives up!
You know what confidence is? It’s not giving a shit what people think. If you’re already fit and happy with who you are, then stop thinking or caring about the possibility of hooking up when you go out. The ABSOLUTE SINGLE MOST DESIRABLE QUALITY a single woman can see in a man is her inability to have him — that’s why that whole “negging” came to prominence. Not being able to have a particular man drives women WILD WITH DESIRE, which is why broads are always up on guys in relationships. But the catch is this: you have to GENUINELY not care about hooking up. When you talk to women and they sense that you’re not trying to get in their pants, they will demand you get in their pants merely to prove you wrong. Bitchez is crazy, my man.
Female reader alert!
I’m having major fantasy decision issues this week. Standard yahoo league. First question: wide receiver. Thanks to Andre Johnson’s never-ending hamstring injury, I can start 2 of the following: Stevie Johnson (@Dal), Brandon Lloyd (@Cle), Percy Harvin (@GB), and Laurent Robinson (Buf). I’m leaning toward Laurent and Percy, given the matchups, but that’s insane, right? Also, Stafford (@Chi) or Roethlisberger (@Cin) at QB?
Really? You’ve gonna bench Stevie? I’d start him and Percy. And go with Stafford over Big Ben. You never know if that big rapey galumph is going to throw four TDs or four picks, and the Cincinnati D is actually pretty solid.
Semi-sex-related question: Sex is great–I’m recently engaged (like yourself–congratulations!),
Back at ya.
but we’re having a disagreement regarding the registries. We’ve been cohabitating for awhile, so we don’t need much (read: any) everyday stuff. My extended family is somewhat more well-off than his, but they’re not rich by any stretch of the imagination. I want to make a small registry at a a nice-ish place–Williams Sonoma, etc., for nicer, more grown-up stuff than we have–and then do a honeymoon registry that will encompass a wide range of incomes. He only wants to register at Target out of consideration for his family. I understand that there’s an income gap, and I definitely don’t expect people to buy us every fancy thing our heart desires, but we don’t NEED anything from Target. I’ve suggested doing the honeymoon registry only, but he thinks that’s tacky. He’d rather register at Target for stuff we don’t need and return almost everything for cash. I think THAT’s tacky. This is such a stupid argument, but we can’t get out of it. Settle this, please.
Unsilent says: Register via Amazon and get the WS type stuff and the Target type stuff on one registry.
I don’t understand why you don’t just register at BOTH places. I’ve been to countless weddings where people have been registered at both Target and some other place like Crate & Barrel. And it’s not like it’s some unheard-of thing. People ask where you’re registered, then you say “Williams Sonoma and Target,” and then they make the decision themselves. Your family’s gonna be all, “Oh, DAHLING, we just HAVE to purchase those whalebone cigarette holders from Williams Sonoma.” And his family’s gonna be all, “Williams WHAT? Jolene, get the station wagon! We goin’ to Target!” Then they’ll fire their pistols into the air and play banjos. Pretty straightforward.
Also, returning gifts you asked for but don’t need in order to get cash? SO fucking tacky.
Fantasygods of Uproxx and Captains of KSK Endowing Recommendations to Strangers,
Sexytime first– Married with children, so only the standard complaints here (no often enough, not dirty enough, and not enough variety), but I’ll survive. To ingratiate myself for some fantasy football advice, I offer you a photo of this HPoA. I have no idea who she is or what she does, but with tits like that, does it matter?
Well now, good sir, I don’t fancy myself as any kind of internet sleuth, but the picture you pasted into your email is called “micaela-schaefer.jpg”.
Acting on a hunch, I plugged “micaela schaefer” into the Google machine, and I was shocked — SHOCKED I SAY — to learn that she’s a model. She’s from Germany (she was on the first season of “Germany Next Top Model” but somehow lost), and there are much better and larger pictures of her in that unzipped see-through catsuit. And yes, she’d done plenty of nude work.
(Also, I’m all for complimenting breasts, but let’s not pretend that those occurred naturally.)
Now FF– The RB corp I drafted (J Charles, Hightower) was decimated early on, leaving me with F Jones (now out). I traded my way to McFadden (now out) and picked up J Stewart, M Bush, and recently Helu. My ‘friends’ won’t consider any more trades as they laugh at my misery. I have good group for WR, TE, and DEF. The top 35 backs in the league are locked up. 10 team Yahoo PPR with standard scoring.
I need some advice on how to stumble through the rest of the season. Is my only option to continually work free agents for matchups of the week? Are there any sleepers out there to keep me competitive?
Desperately Seeking Something,
Seems like you’re stumbling through it just fine. Given the attrition of your RB corps, I’d say you’re doing well to have Stewart, M. Bush, and Helu. Keep an eye on handcuffs and save your waiver position to snag someone who will definitely have an impact on your team (like if LeGarrette Blount loses a leg in the next game, make a play for Kregg Lumpkin).
Football. Standard rules apply. Stafford (@CHI) or Romo (BUF) at QB?
Stafford’s been great, but Chicago’s defense is playing really well right now. Yahoo projects Romo to have the better game, and given the Bills’ weak pass rush, I’d be inclined to agree.
Also, I have Fred Jackson (@DAL) and Arian Foster (@TB) at RB, and the good Steve Smith (TEN) and Greeeeg Jeeeennnings (MIN) at WR. Who do I put in the flex – Gore (NYG), Mendenhall (@CIN), Colston (@ATL) or Steve Johnson (@DAL)?
I loathe Frank Gore as a fantasy player, but unless your have a PPR league, I think he’s the safest play this week.
Sex. After been told by you about 6 months ago to do it, I’m finally going to breakup with my girlfriend. Yeah, well, I’ve been busy and we’ve had some fun and fuck you I don’t have to justify myself. Anyway we have about 30 common friends on Facebook, most of whom are hers. What’s the social networking etiquette here? Should I de-friend her mates first, possibly tipping her off as to what’s about to go down? Or should I rush home after the break-up and de-friend them before the abuse starts? Or, seeing as I am going to be perceived by all as the bad guy here, just take my licks and let them de-friend me? And in terms of my friends, do I ask them to de-friend her so they don’t get involved, or just let them make their own mind up?
I’d actually like to just shutdown my profile for a while, but that’s not really an option seeing as most people I know are now using it to plan social activities – and I’m gonna need that to get laid.
Fuck You Facebook.
Ugh, young people. Do young women really do that? Attack the guy on Facebook after a breakup? That’s totally the wrong approach. They’re supposed to stay friends with you so your ex can stalk you from their accounts if you de-friend her. They still have so much to learn.
Anyway, Facebook should be the last of your worries until you actually pull the trigger on this breakup. After you do that, I recommend turning off the capability for people to write on your wall — that should minimize their ability to annoy you. After that, who gives a shit? I’m still Facebook friends with my exes and all of their friends, and they’ve never conspired to destroy my world through Facebook flaming. Or maybe just de-friend them if they’re mean to you. No use burning bridges if you don’t have to.