On Rihanna’s Bedroom Wizardry And Its Three Truths

06.16.12 6 years ago 30 Comments

Rihanna Topless Vogue Brazil lead
The fact of the matter is this: Drake and Chris Brown having “beef” is irrelevant. Yes, it’s a damn shame Tony Parker capped off a brilliant MVP-caliber season with an eye whammy served by a flying champagne bottle. And yes, it’s a shame there are more rumors floating around than a high school cafeteria the week following senior prom. What I’m more concerned about, however, is why. And why, for yours truly, centers around none other than Rihanna.

There’s a chance what happened between Drizzy and Chris had nothing to do with Rih-Rih. Then again, there’s a chance John Edwards becomes “Father of the Year,” too. Guys fighting over women is nothing new. Hell, it happens every week, in every city and damn near any public setting one can imagine – especially the club. Thankfully, no one lost their life which is why we can toss so many jokes around now! Rihanna’s apparently amazing bedroom theatrics are no laughing matter, though. Having never been a huge fan of her musical output – “We Found Love” is still a modern day classic and there’s no convincing me otherwise – it has been intriguing to witness her status as a sex symbol skyrocket.

Linked to damn near every celebrity including Rashard Lewis (he’s a celebrity, no?), J. Cole, Chris, Drake, Meek Mill, Matt Kemp, Kanye, Jay-Z, Justin Tinsley, Ashton Kutcher and more, there are bodies in the pop goddess’ trunk even if all may not exactly be worth merit. What’s, in this sense, erotically evident is how she has small scale civil wars erupting over what she does when the cameras aren’t rolling (the TV cameras, that is). Chris beat her and is still smitten over those island goodies which have increased in real estate value as her albums and singles have dominated pop charts. Drake’s been following behind her since before Thank Me Later with an arrest for his Club WiP stunt rumored in the near future. And, listen to the tabloids, she’s even Dream Chasing with Meek Mill. I mean, really, this is some amazing, amazing stuff. Pun intended, of course. We haven’t seen a sex game this vicious since Badu turned Three Stacks and Common out.

If Rih-Rih’s able to maintain this current pace, she’s looking at eventual invitation into the “Platinum Snapper Club.” Other inductees include Pam Grier, the aforementioned Badu, Marilyn Monroe, Apollonia, Elizabeth Taylor and the group’s inaugural member, Cleopatra. Men have either gone to war or gone completely batshit crazy after dealing with them. What the radio darling does to elicit such behavior from her jumpoffs is up for interpretation and a rather filthy mind. The following three statements hold some sort of validity. I’m 72.3% sure. Ladies and gentlemen, behold “The Three Truths Behind Rihanna’s Sexual Voo-doo.”

1. Rihanna Is “That Life” – We all talk a good game. We all say we’re “down for whatever” in the bedroom. Well, that’s all fine and dandy until you really meet that person who actually Down. For. Whatever. That’s Rihanna.

2. She Takes Her “Craft” Seriously – Rihanna expressing her love for Pornhub is one of the five most important, non-serious moments in social media history. What did this tell us? One, she’s a woman who appreciates one of the most successful industries in the world. Two, she not only watching porn for enjoyment, but for research as well. And three, well, there was no third point.

3. The Accent Is The Game Winner – Everybody’s got a “move.” Jordan had the fadeaway. Kareem had the sky hook. Hakeem had the “Dream Shake.” Since I don’t smash and tell, revealing Rih-Rih’s go-to move would make me a sucker. That said, whatever it is, the mystical powers of her sex game is worth catching cases over. Her most underrated trait has to be the accent though. I’ll leave it at his. Imagine – yes, ladies, you too – imagine the possibilities. She strikes me as a talker too. FTW!

I say all that to repeat what I tweeted yesterday. Sex with Rihanna is either a combination of the best you ever had multiplied by bath salts and/or what it feels like paying your student loans off in full. Now, you have to ask yourself, are you REALLY about that life? Not everyone can deal with a man-eater.

Hi, Rihanna.

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