Listen, college/grad school grad with no plans for the summer (or further foreseeable future), you are not alone. And while you may be kicking yourself because you chose to study for finals instead of applying to travel the world on Netflix’s dime or submitting an application to be a ninja, there is a new and novel way for you to make money and engage in pursuits that are worthwhile and have absolutely nothing to do with your degree. Friend, it’s your lucky day, because the position of Bacon Critic has now become available. And you can apply now and never look back. Who needs an internship when you could be spending all your time critiquing crispy pig flesh? Not you!
Here’s what’s up: Extra Crispy is looking for one special person to enjoy and then write about all the good bacon has done in this world and why it’s important to all facets of culture. It’s a very real job, and more importantly, it’s paid.
Extra Crispy is seeking a freelance Bacon Critic to cover the bacon beat, spanning bacon’s role in food, drinks, and culture. Our Bacon Critic can live anywhere in the U.S. and will spend a three-month appointment researching, writing about, obsessing over, and critiquing bacon. Yes, this is a very real paid freelance position we’re looking to fill in the near future.
The Extra Crispy Bacon Critic needs to be opinionated and thorough in his or her research, and will be expected to eventually decide which bacon is the best in the country. Other qualifications include serious writing chops, an unmistakable voice, a sense of adventure, and an insatiable hunger—for bacon.
Okay, so maybe you won’t have this job forever, but can you imagine how great it would be to roll into a party, have someone ask you what you do for a living and just say you’re a freelance bacon critic?
“Oh, you mean you write about food,” the other person will say, secretly a little jealous that you’re eating and drinking and getting paid for it while they do something a little less whimsical on the day to day.
“No, I just write about bacon,” you’ll respond. “Only bacon. Nothing else.” That’s when the music will stop and everyone will convulse in a death dance of envy, much like the way bacon dances as it crisps in the pan. (You can steal that beautiful simile for your application. I won’t mind!)
Okay, so how do you apply? Let’s run through a checklist. Are you over 21? Do you looooooooooove bacon more than Kel loves orange soda? Can you write a 600 word meditation on your favorite “bacon-related memory” and submit it by June 24, thereby proving that you are both an excellent writer and possess the ability to respect a deadline? If so, you can send an email directly to email@example.com and then cross your fingers in the hopes that you’ll be picked.
Don’t worry if you’re not the one who gets chosen, though. Even bacon can get pretty boring after a while, right?