Types Of Chicken Wings, Power Ranked

There are some things everyone remembers from their youth. First kiss, first concert, first heartbreak. The first time they hitchhiked to Vegas to become a showgirl, and had sex with Kyle MacLachlan in a pool. I wonder why we cling to those “firsts.” Perhaps it’s because those were the moments that felt like they were straight out of book about becoming an adult. Like we were the “coming of age” heroes in a Judy Blume novel or an Anne of Green Gables book. We compared ourselves to them. Will we get our first kiss or first period at the same time as Margaret in Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret? Or, like Anne Shirley, will we be 18 the first time actor Kyle MacLachlan pours champagne all over our naked bodies and makes love to us in a pool, flopping us around like a dead fish? Is that how it happened for you? Or maybe you were the age the Sweet Valley twins were when they met Kyle MacLachlan. Perhaps it happened even younger for you, like in the Babysitter’s club book, Mary Anne and the Secret Kyle MacLachlan.

I guess it doesn’t matter when exactly it happened. Just that we all remember where we were during that first encounter with Kyle MacLachlan. For the important part of the whole thing is that we were no longer boys or girls after Kyle MacLachlan showed up at our doorstop in a terry cloth robe stolen from a mid-level hotel and had his way with us we were adults. These are the universal moments that define us.

But there are some things about growing up that are less like a lightning bolt of memory, and more like a series of quiet moments that make our respective childhoods feel cozy. Like, for instance, I don’t remember the first time I ate chicken wings, just that they were a defining feature of life since… well… forever. There are pictures of me graduating high school with a diploma in one hand and a chicken wing in the other (except there was no diploma, just chicken wings because my education was in a chicken wing factory, and my teachers were just more chicken wings). And the picture of my first piano recital — me, playing a Tchaikovsky concerto with chicken wings instead of fingers! Also, there was no piano, and we had no camera at the chicken wing factory, so it’s just a drawing I made out of buffalo sauce. And then, of course, there’s my newborn photo shoot! In it, I’m just the classic Anne Geddes baby slathered in buffalo sauce at the bottom of container filled with gnawed on bones. So sweet. That was right before my family sold me to a chicken wing factory in exchange for a $50 gift certificate to Buffalo Wild Wings. Fun memories.

In preschool with one of my classmates.

So, I guess I’ve always loved wings. Who doesn’t though? Whether you’re watching the big game on TV with friends or digging a mass grave for those same friends in your backyard (because all of your friends are chickens), they’re the perfect snack, meal, or whatever! Chicken wings are the crowd pleaser that never stops pleasing. They’ve always been a part of my life, and, I assume, yours, too, since I’m whispering this article through a slat in my chicken wing factory holding cell. I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF YOU EXIST OR IF YOU’RE JUST A VOICE IN MY HEAD AT THIS POINT.

But I do know that chicken wings are the most versatile food in the world! Imagine trying to make you favorite dish without them! Can you imagine Spaghetti Bolognese without chicken wings on top? Just try to picture a burrito where you don’t cut both the roof of your mouth and your esophagus due to the bones in the chicken wings stuffed inside? What if you ate a burrito and didn’t have to have emergency surgery after?? I know. Crazy.

But we have to remember, there are people in this world who don’t have the kind of access that we have to chicken wings. Refugees, the starving, some squirrels, and it really makes you appreciate what you have.