Da-Da-dum da da da da-dum, da da-dum. Da-da-dum da da da da-dum, da da-dum.
As you’ve clearly guessed — because it couldn’t be more obvious — that is the most hum-able section of the Vince Guaraldi Trio’s jazz standard Linus and Lucy. It’s a song that not only says “Charlie Brown” but “Christmas.” It’s also reverberating in my head at the moment because I am in fact watching A Charlie Brown Christmas. While smoking a bowl of the green stuff.
This totally normal holiday activity got me thinking: “What weed strains embody each of the Peanuts characters?” Which, admittedly, is a random thought to have. But I think any stoner can agree that most of the strain names out there are garbage. Wouldn’t you rather live in a world where you can pick up a 3.5-gram jar of Schroeder flowers instead of, you know, Purple Monkey Balls or whatever?
The more I thought about this, the more I started to take it seriously. You wouldn’t name a giggle-inducing, munchie causing strain “Charlie Brown,” it just doesn’t match his character. So I started pairing my favorite characters from A Charlie Brown Christmas — which unfortunately means no Peppermint Patty, Woodstock, or Little Red-Headed Girl — with the weed strains my very high brain thinks that they’re best represented by.
Let’s dive in!
Lucy van Pelt — Riff OG
“It’s too early. I never eat December snowflakes. I always wait until January” — Lucy van Pelt.
Okay, here we go, starting with Lucy van Pelt. When I was younger I didn’t like Lucy, I thought she was mean and a big bully. Why wouldn’t she let Charlie Brown kick the ball? Now that I’m older and wiser, I get it. Sometimes you see Charlie Brown, and you sympathize, but eventually, his incessant moping gets you to a point where you say to yourself, “You know what? F*ck that kid! Stop getting in your damn own way, Charlie Brown.”
What does any of this have to do with weed? Let’s see… Lucy van Pelt, she’s strong, she’ll throw hands with a trash talker, she doesn’t take anybody’s sh*t — as exhibited in A Charlie Brown Christmas — and she’s got a thing for Schroeder who riffs on the piano.
Easy, I’m going with Ember Valley’s Riff OG, a super-strong indica so powerful that it’ll knock you into a couch lock with a single bowl, no matter how regularly you toke up. It’s the bossy, weed strain that pulls the football out from under you.
Find Riff OG at Weedmaps.
Linus van Pelt— Cereal Milk
“You wouldn’t hit an innocent Shepard would you?” Linus van Pelt.
Linus is the intellectual soul of the Peanuts cast, he drops knowledge on Charlie and his dumb friends constantly, yet ironically, he’s also a big baby who carries around a security blanket and sucks his thumb. He’s basically, a Zoomer. So he needs a weed-like Cereal Milk.
A cross between strawberry lemonade and thin mints, Cereal Milk is an Indica strain that sports beautiful light green buds caked in bright crystals, giving it a sugar cereal and milk vibe with limonene and linalool terpenes that crush anxiety, bring on a heavy rush of euphoria, and settle you into a sedative relaxed state.
Find Cereal Milk at Med Men.
Sally Brown — Strawnana (aka Strawberry Banana)
“Dear Santa Claus. How have you been, did you have a nice summer? How is your wife? I’ve been extra good this year, that’s why I have a long list of presents that I want. Please note the size and color of each item and send as many as possible. If it seems too complicated, make it easy on yourself, just send money. How about $10s and $20s?” — Sally Brown
Charlie Brown spends much of the movie wandering around complaining about how the people around him are falling into the commercialization of Christmas and it’s making him depressed — it’s a very deep cartoon — but it doesn’t get any darker than when his own sister asks him to write her wish list to Santa and literally asks for rewards for good behavior.
As annoying as that is to CB, I think we can all agree that he needs to chill. Sally is just living her life and having fun. It’s the ’60s for god’s sake, Chuck. Grow out your hair and smoke some herb.
Anyway, Sally needs a weed strain to match her bubblegum personality. I choose Strawnana, aka Strawberry Banana, a cross between banana kush and strawberry bubblegum with fruity citrus notes, and a deep herbal flavor that makes for a great option for vaped weed or a glass-on-glass bong.
Find Strawnana at Weedmaps.
Pig-Pen — Durban Poison
“Pigpen, you’re the only person I know who can raise a cloud of dust in a snowstorm” — Charlie Brown.
This has got to be the easiest one. All you need to know about Pig-Pen is that this dude is always dusty. Everybody has that one dusty friend in their life! So we’re going with a strain that’s so stinky it gives you a head change once you open up the jar. Durban Poison is a sativa with sticky dense buds dusted in trichomes, a pungent nose-scrunching smoke smell, and a burnt-earth flavor.
It brings on some nice body tingles and makes tactile sensations something to giggle over. Basically, it’s a weed you can get down with that’ll make you feel good, and if you’ve seen A Charlie Brown Christmas‘s dance scene, you know Pig-Pen gets f*cking down.
Find Durban Poison at Weedmaps.
Schroeder — Wedding Cake
“What do you mean Beethoven wasn’t so great?” — Schroeder.
Schroeder has always been the coolest Peanuts character. Music is such a big part of the cartoon — which is ironic considering its comic strip origins — and those jazzy chords and rhythms are usually expressed through Schroeder rocking out on his toy piano.
For Schroeder, I’m going with Wedding Cake, an Indica-dominant hybrid that will chill you out, enhance your senses, and give you those closed eye visuals that make listening to music high awesome. Flavor-wise, this strain is smooth with piney herbal notes and a noticeable hint of sweet vanilla.
Find Wedding Cake at Med Men.
Snoopy — Skywalker OG (Mazar x Blueberry OG)
Snoopy is pretty much good at everything. In the movie, he wins a decorating competition, elegantly ice skates, plays guitar, and shows off his acting chops. He needs a strain worthy of a hero, so I’ve chosen Skywalker OG, which isn’t legally allowed to be called that anymore.
Now it’s sometimes known as Mazar x Blueberry OG. An ironic fit for a character who has been licensed for theme parks, clothes, toys, and food.
This indica dominant hybrid has a distinct earthy blueberry flavor with subtle spicy notes and a sort of diesel undertone. Get it? Diesel — jet fuel — snoopy’s a pilot — give me a break here.
Find Mazar x Blueberry at Weedmaps.
Charlie Brown — Alien OG
Strain: Indica-Dominant Hybrid
“I think there must be something wrong with me Linus. Christmas is coming, but I”m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel. I just don’t understand Christmas I guess.” — Charlie Brown
I know I spent a lot of this article sh*tting on Charlie Brown, but that’s because in so many ways I am Charlie Brown. Or at least, I understand Charlie Brown. He’s an alien, he’s out of step with the people around him, sometimes it feels like he’s always losing. We’re all Charlie Brown, in fact. That’s what makes him such a resonant character. We may all collectively have shades of the entire Peanuts cast, but what is life but feeling like the star of a show who never wins? Especially in 2020.
So we’re giving Charlie Brown Alien OG. Coming from California’s Caliva, Alien OG is a thinking person’s indica. It’s not for knocking out and chilling out as much as it’s for soul searching. It’s a strain that makes you question things, but it’s limonene and myrcene terpenes keep you in a chill enough state that you don’t fall into panic mode.