A ‘Seinfeld’ Fan Tests The New Coffee Bean ‘Friends’ Menu

08.02.19 3 weeks ago

NBC / UPROXX

Friends, frankly, I’m not digging it. There is a not-so-silent war being waged deep in the underbelly of the internet over which is the superior sitcom of the 90s. Both Seinfeld-heads and Friends fans swear by their favorite shows, hurtling endless insults at one another while the more level-headed among us try to explain that it’s possible to like (or dislike) both shows.

To those people, I say, “you’re wrong.” There can only be one, and that one is Seinfeld.

So when I heard that the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf would be celebrating the 25th anniversary of Friends by rolling out a special drink menu to pay homage to that famous coffee-sipping collective of white people, as well as launching a bespoke blend of Central Perk coffee and tea, it felt like they’d officially picked a side. Certainly, Seinfeld was just as deserving of a special menu, right? Had I not already burned my Starbucks bridge two weeks ago, I might have even started a one-man boycott.

Instead, I’ve made it my duty to try every item on Coffee Bean’s new Friends menu. Only I, a committed Seinfeld aficionado, can truly give an unbiased and fair review of the drink lineup. I won’t be swayed by whether I identify as a Ross or a Rachel — I’m a Jerry, dammit. In a loving tribute to Seinfeld, I’ll be ranking today’s drinks by Morning Mist Costanzas. It’s a deep cut Seinfeld reference that die-hard Friends fans won’t understand and also a far better name for a drink than “The Rachel.”

The Joey

Coffee Bean

How you doin’?

That’s how the catchphrase goes right? I’m sorry, and this show is funnier than Seinfeld how?

Anyway, the Joey is the most apt of the six Friends drinks — if you showed me a picture of each drink I’d know this one was the Joey. A refreshing Mango Cold Brew Tea with a sweet burst of mango flavoring makes for a refreshing, lightly sweetened drink. The Mango is used sparingly (take note Starbucks) delivering a balanced flavor that fits for the summer.

When I was younger Joey was my favorite character because I thought he had cool hair, and in the 90s, that’s honestly all that mattered (simpler times). Similarly, the Joey tastes like it’s for kids who want to pretend they’re deeper than they are — wake up kids, the drink is just pretty there isn’t anything more to it.

Our Rating

Uproxx

This drink, like its namesake, is trying to skate by on charm.

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