Life

This Insane Craigslist Job Posting Will Make You Appreciate Your Boss


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If there’s one thing I’ve learned from working on the internet, it’s that most things are fake, anything that’s fun is a viral marketing stunt, and that the leaders of the western world (and probably all other nations) are actually just intergalactic lizards who know how to do mind control. I’m jaded as heck, man (family website) and my favorite activity is responding to links my friends send me with the words “old” or “fake” while feeling hella smug about the whole thing.

But then, sometimes the impossible happens. Sometimes you stumble onto something so wide-eyed in its complete lack of self-awareness but also so true to life in its naked sincerity that you’ve got to stop and say, “there are surprises yet!” And these surprises — they come courtesy of two clueless Bay Area techies that are looking for someone to run their lives while working for less than $20 an hour.

“Their entire lives?” you’re asking yourself. “You mean like walking their dogs? Washing the dishes?” Well, there’s that, too, yes, but if you apply for this job, which, by the way, requires a video essay that proves that you’re fluent in English (they mention this need for fluency several times, so it must be a big deal), you’d better be good at everything from washing dishes to protecting their frequently vomiting dog, to wood-working.

Are you good at wood-working? Are you ready to emotionally prostitute yourself to strangers for the chance to earn $15-35 and hour? No? Then this isn’t the job for you. So here’s the question: Is this posting real? Read it all below (because you know it’s gonna be deleted soon) and let us know:

We’re two 40-something executives living in the city with a sweet medium-sized dog. Work is crazier than ever which means that we don’t have time to maintain our personal lives. We’ve finally accepted that we need a full-time (or part-time) personal assistant.

THE PROBLEM:
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We’re resorting to unhealthy take-out and processed foods — anything we can grab and munch on in-between working on our computers, we aren’t getting enough sleep (8 hrs/night is a must but rarely achieved), that very cute dog I mentioned doesn’t have someone to play with daily, personal social media accounts are neglected, I buy fresh flowers but don’t have time to trim daily and change the water, indoor plants are dying, vacations and fun trips aren’t taken because there’s no time to plan them, dirty laundry is neglected until we run out of clean clothes to wear, merchandise that should be returned doesn’t get returned, phone calls to customer support don’t get made, prescriptions aren’t refilled, instead of dry cleaning something it will just never be worn again, pants that are too long never get hemmed, that cute dog doesn’t get taught new tricks or get his coat brushed out as often as it needs to be, things that we’re meaning to order don’t get ordered, items slated for donation sit in a corner for months, groceries aren’t put away into the cabinet, the sink is eternally filled with soaking dishes/pots/pans, picture frames hang on the wall with no photos inside, the closet is in need of reorganization, appointments aren’t scheduled, information isn’t updated, nail polish gets chipped and remains chipped, investment opportunities go un-researched, and that crucial”date night” consists of collapsing onto the sofa and watching a movie because we’re so exhausted from the work week.

Does the idea of helping us to go from zero to hero in all of the above areas make you smile OR cringe?

For the cringers, feel free to exit now :) Good luck with your search!

For the smilers, you’re making me so happy. I know that you’re going to help us so much.

THE SOLUTION:
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Our ideal full-time (or part-time) personal assistant is chill but also gets sh*t done.

Ideally, you have experience being a personal assistant for a CXO in the past (and you really liked it).

You aren’t dramatic or tightly wound, however, you’re also not lazy or sloth-like (nothing against sloths). You’re level-headed and your friends think you have great judgment. You’re down to earth, not cocky, humble, and always willing to admit when you’re wrong. You aren’t too stubborn to apologize. You don’t get defensive and deflect. You own your mistakes and see them as opportunities to improve. You have confidence in yourself and although you are very empathetic, you rarely get overwhelmed by your emotions. You aren’t dramatic and you aren’t having regular melt-downs. You’re warm, welcoming, and always down for a good time. You take pride in your work quality (no matter what it is — big or small) and believe everything you create is a reflection of you and your character/abilities so you want it to be good. You notice inefficiencies and tend to find ways to save time, streamline, or automate where you can. You’re observant and detail-oriented. You always know where your keys are or where your wallet is because you make it a point to place them in the same place. You have a great memory and rarely have to say “Oh, I forgot.” You believe that there’s a place for everything and everything should be in its place. You’re naturally organized and clean. You don’t like messiness. You feel compelled to straighten items if they’re crooked. Aesthetics, design, and beauty in life are things that you notice and appreciate. It genuinely makes you happy to help others and make others smile. You find it rewarding to do things for others. (If you don’t feel this way, you will either hate this role or it will be awkward for us because you won’t seem happy.) Your friends think that you’re the one in your group who has their act together the most in terms of being responsible, responsive, and risk-averse. You take pride in working smart vs. working hard. You do things well AND you do it as quickly as possible. You consistently strive for both quality and speed. You like to laugh and your friends think you can be funny. You smile and/or laugh when you tell a joke or say something humorous (dry senses of humor need not apply)! You care about visual presentation and delivery of your words. You enjoy making things look nice. You enjoy making things smell nice. You have a kind heart and try to not be selfish. You are generous with your attention and love. You are a strong communicator and can tell an engaging story. If something needs to get done, you find a way. You’re very comfortable with technology and devices. You use your smartphone all the time. You use your laptop all the time. Google is your best friend. You take pride in how you look — whatever that “look” or style may be for you. At the same time, you also want to be practical and functional (e.g., you’re “bohemian chic” but avoid the giant wedges that will prevent you from hustling around town, you’re “cool hipster” but don’t wear the super tight jeans that won’t leave you room in your pockets to hold my dog’s potty bags, you’re totally “minimalistic modern” but avoid the white on white look so you’re not afraid to get dirty when cooking, etc.)

REQUIRED HOURS:
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Location = SoMa
Commitment = on-call 24/7 for emergencies/urgent/important matters
Hours = Approximately 40 hrs/wk (mostly during the workweek)

TYPICAL SCHEDULE:
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Mon – Fri
– 10am – 11am = dog time (feeding, brushing, walking, washing, play with, teach tricks, take photos)
– 11am – 12pm = cleaning home (dishes, laundry, vacuum, dusting, wiping down countertops, clean up rare dog accident, etc.)
– 12pm – 1pm = improving look, ambiance & functionality of home (reorganizing cabinets, refreshing flowers, etc.)
– 1pm – 3pm = run errands (dry cleaning, tailor, groceries, clothes shopping, dog store, picking up Rx, stop by the office, etc.)
– 3 pm – 6 pm = on your computer/phone (investment research, post on our social media for us, planning a trip, ordering things online, scheduling an appointment, organizing receipts & other bookkeeping, taking notes while listening in on a meeting or call, cooking us dinner, food prep for the dog, book us dinner reservations or schedule our “date nights”, etc.)

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