STUDY: Men Gorge On Pizza In Their Misguided Attempt To Impress Women


There are two motivations for almost every action performed by men:

1. “Chet dared me to do it.”

2. To impress people who might have sex with us

While these factors have accounted for much of the war, wedding dancing, and goldfish swallowing performed by men since the beginning of time, according to a recently published study from Cornell University they also account for why men on dates eat pizza. All of the pizza.

To quote the study:

Men appear to eat larger quantities of both unhealthy (pizza) and healthy (salad) food when in the company of women. More specifically, men eating with women ate 93% more pizza (1.44 more slices) and 86% more salad…[I]t is also plausible that the masculinity that men can demonstrate through conspicuous eating might function as a mechanism for men to enhance how attractive they are perceived by women.

But despite the logical inconsistencies of trying to impress a potential mate by Kobayashi-ing a food that makes us gassier, greasier, and fatter, there is also a subtle brilliance to this plan. Because not only is pizza one of the world’s most beloved foods, but it’s also (with some rage-inducing exceptions) usually pretty cheap.

So if you’re trying to impress a woman at the dining table (which is fundamentally stupid and ineffective, but don’t let that stop you), you might as well do it with something affordable and delicious. After all, besides proving to Chet that you’re cool and showing off your ability to process Papa Johns to the ladies, there is one more essential biological imperative that motivates male behavior:

3. Delaying the inevitable wallet ravaging of a sushi date


(He’s signaling how much money you have left now)