Everyone wants to have good sex. That’s why sex therapists have waiting lists, why self-help books that teach you the art of pleasing your partner (and yourself) are national bestsellers, and why every glossy magazine promises that it holds the once secret that will blow your mind, change your life, and transform your relationship .
But one size doesn’t fit all, and while experts are great — we’ve talked to a sex therapist, a dating coach, and an intimacy instructor right here on this site — they offer a perspective that’s helpful (and possibly life-altering) but sometimes not personal enough. “Communication is always key” is a piece of advice that often comes up, but how do you communicate? What do you say to get what you need? That answer’s often not so clear, and can lead to frustration and the inevitable feeling that you’re doing something wrong, even though we’re so often assured that there’s no “right and wrong” when it comes to sex.
So we asked real people about their sex lives. Real people who aren’t professional sex havers or educators but report that their sex lives are “awesome” and “amazing” and every other superlative that you could possibly think of. We asked them why their sex lives are great, how they keep it that way, and any other advice that they have for other people trying to get on their level (although you’ll see that “on their level” means many different things). From people who have sex with one partner, to those who have sex with multiple, to those that (often) have sex with only themselves, we’ve put together a comprehensive list of people who have great sex lives and don’t mind telling you about them — in the hopes that they might inspire you when it comes to, well…coming.
Unselfishness and self-control are key. Also, masturbate: it’s healthy and you learn more about your likes and dislikes. Work out, if you have the time and money. Don’t put a TV in the bedroom. Don’t ever take your special someone for granted. Do some role playing. Get some sex toys if that’s your thing.
I’d compare the timing of orgasms to riding a wave. When you’re riding a wave, you don’t want to fall over the crest, or submerge beneath it. You must be acutely aware of where in the orgasm process your partner is and where you are. It’s a balancing act that you can only get comfortable with after a lot of self-pleasuring and a heavy interest in getting laid when you’re younger.
But one of the biggest things about having great sex is, don’t compare yourself to other people or couples.
If you want to have a good sex life, you need to walk around naked a lot. I know that sounds funny, but it’s a great way to learn to love your body, which is essential if you’re going to let someone else love your body.
Ask for what you want! And ask your partner what they want! and try new shit!
One reason my partner and I have good sex is because we talk about it the next day. Not like sweet, delicate conversations about how open we felt — though those probably have merit — but more like “that thing you did with the hip roll, when I was about to… and then with the biting…” Communicating with someone you’ve been with for awhile about your own wild sex life just amps everything up.
On a personal level, I like to focus on gratitude. Like, mid-sex, I take the time to think “This is awesome, I can’t believe this is happening, this is better than I fantasized when I was a teenager” and that intensifies all my sensations.