You know what the worst thing about Christmas is? Fruitcakes. We don’t know where they came from (and are unwilling to do the research), don’t know why they’re still being made, and have no idea how anyone somehow still holds the idea that they’re presents rather than punishments. (Yes, we know, your aunt makes the best one; we’re still not trying it.) And yes…for some reason or another… Starbucks has decided to “reclaim” these god-awful non-desserts. And to top it off, the chain’s putting “sweater cozies” on each cup so that rewards members can proudly let the world know that this year, they’re taking fruitcakes back!
It starts with a Hazelnut Crème Frappuccino as its base, which is blended with dried fruit and cinnamon, then topped with whipped cream, caramel dots and a sprinkle of matcha powder.
But wait…there’s more! There are also ugly sweater cookies, specially themed cake pops, and other seasonal offerings (snickerdoodles!) available for purchase. And that should absolutely help you ease the pain of a) knowing there’s no alcohol in these fruitcake fraps, and b) reconciling the fact that these things are here for three days max.
Three days? Yeah, friend: They’re only here from today (the 15th) to Sunday (the 18th). Why? No idea. Starbucks is weird sometimes. Probably something to do with the fact that the brand doesn’t want to have anything to do with fruitcakes as soon as the spell is broken and every person who’s bought one of these crimes against nature realizes that, hey, you know, fruitcakes are still terrible.
Whatever. We’ll try anything once.
–In unrelated news, Starbucks has also tapped a crew of Simpsons writers to create a series of animated shorts. The trailer is below: