“Foreign ads are so weird” is a stupid thing a lot of Americans say without thinking twice about just how bizarre the Burger King King is. Having said that, um, this 2016 Brazilian Subway ad is f*cking weird, straight up. Like seriously, really strange. It appears to pay homage to Richard Linklater’s Boyhood as it follows the life of a boy from birth to the moment he crosses lives ultimate threshold: the entrance of a Subway.
The video honestly consists of sooooo many things that a Subway commercial just shouldn’t consist of. Moody filters, water births, little boys peeing into water spouts, mom-fetishes, galloping horses, kids fighting, Rider Strong lookalikes. Verdict: Not enough sandwiches.
SB Nation video director Ryan Simmons was the first to send the story viral and Eater was the first to cover it with screenshots. It feels too biter-y to do the same (we couldn’t help ourselves a few times), so here’s a quick running diary for you to enjoy as you watch:
1. A baby’s butt-crack and a water birth. I mean they’re really starting off strong with two things that should never be in an ad meant to make a person want food. Ever.
2. Slightly older baby (toddler?) peeing into a water faucet. This is why we always avoided drinking from water fountains in school…
3. Okay, seriously, what the actual f*ck? There is a boy peeping on his mom. We’ve got to screenshot that.
4. Good news! He learns to shave, gets over the ‘hot-for-mom’ thing and finds a girl entirely out of his league.
5. But she cheats on him and he is heartbroken… in a Subway ad.
6. *Cue the Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson, or, anything ‘edgy’* Client note: Too much angst for Subway, everyone knows Quiznos is the edgy sandwich shop.
7. *Cue Drowning Pool* Entirely TOO MUCH ANGST FOR F*CKING SUBWAY.
8. Okay, at this point the homeboy goes backpacking and hangs in rice paddies like an Instagram influencer. Which leads to…
9. Not Mom, but maybe she’s nice?
And now we come to my favorite sequence of events in the entire ad. F*ck yes, we’re going to lay it out second by second…
13. Has ever.
14. Thought this hard about a Subway sandwich.
15. *Cue montage of sandwich ingredients* This part is actually good, honest filmmaking.
16. And…. scene!