It’s that time of year again, when scores of kids dress up as their favorite characters and go door to door throughout their neighborhoods (or other neighborhoods, depending on their ambition and Uber budget), enthusiastically shouting “trick or treat!” in exchange for some candy. But what if it’s the wrong candy? Or even worse, what if the homeowner or renter (or squatter) at the other end of this time-honored transaction fails to live up to their end of the deal and they offer candy alternatives?
For years, maybe centuries, even, justice for alt-sweets has been meted out with petty vandalism and fiery poopbagged tomfoolery, but this next generation should be better than that (just leave a negative Yelp review, you guys).
The dispensers of Halloween joy should also hold themselves to a higher standard — so we’re offering a ranking of the least-loved candy/candy alternatives that often make their way into bags and buckets year after year, only to be met with scorn, disappointment, and sugar-fueled rage tantrums. Use this as a guide so that we may prevent tree toilet papering, flung eggs, and tiny broken hearts.
Because toothbrushes are bullsh*t on Halloween, and you need to know that.
8. Raisins
This is trick-or-treating, not a damn nature hike. Take that sh*t and put it in a cookie. Then maybe we can talk. Or not. Because handing out homemade cookies on Halloween gives off a “local news van rolling up to interview neighbor kids after someone swallowed a thumbtack” kinda vibe. Handing out raisins gives off, at best, a creepy old lady vibe and, at worst, it makes it seem as though you are trying to subtly preach about the virtues of healthy nutritional choices on this sacred night of “IMA EAT WHAT I WANT!”
Which is a real dick move, raisin giver outer.
7. Apples
Sticking with the whole “fruit is nature’s candy” thing here, apples are another perfectly fine, downright nourishing food that is completely unwelcome during trick-or-treating. The impulse is to say, “Unless they’re caramel apples!” but that goes back to the whole homemade cookies thing and apples and sadistic food-tampering (razors) have a [false] history that moms are aware of. So, you’re probably going to get that apple thrown at you. Besides, only biblical snakes and school-age kiss-asses hand out apples. You’re better than that.
6. Wax Lips
You know all those times you’ve looked at a candle and said “how delicious! I can’t wait to take a giant bite out of that?” Of course you don’t, because wax isn’t something delicious you snack on. Shaping it into part of the human face doesn’t change that one bit.
5. Mary Janes
This entry can be used to substitute in any kind of rock-hard, paper-wrapped taffy that’s usually found in antique crystal candy dishes where it was placed long ago. Mary Janes were a special kind of tooth-chippingly terrible –better suited to be tiles in a kitchen backsplash than be handed out as Halloween candy.
Speaking to the trick-or-treaters that may be reading this post, now: If some hipster tries to hand you some of their vintage paper candy, you make fun of their mustache and tell them to take their reclaimed bio-diesel taco truck down to the store for some fun-size Snickers. You’ll wait.
4. Pencils
“Thanks, I can’t wait to go home, sharpen this puppy up, then take furious inventory of my candy intake this year!” said no kid ever.
3. Coins
This probably harkens back to a time when scraping a few coins together at the end of the night may have actually added up to something. But unless you’re giving out surplus Sacajawea dollars (and even then, it’s a stretch), just take your jar of change to the bank like a normal person and stop trying to unload it all on the neighborhood kids. Also, this absolutely makes it look like you didn’t prepare for Halloween. And if that happens, just give out your old DVDs or something that’s at least eBay-able.
2. Circus Peanuts
It’s one of the most reviled candies known to man, and for good reason. It’s some kind of bastardized multi-colored marshmallow concoction that runs way too closely in texture and taste to Styrofoam. Maybe they’re actually erasers? What we do know is that these are not candy. They are a practical joke that has gone on for far too long.
1. Toothbrushes
Here’s the thing about this — pretty much every kid who’s out trick-or-treating already has a toothbrush. In many cases, a much better one that takes batteries or has Superman on it… OR BOTH. So, the cheap, disposable, travel-sized toothbrush you’re dropping into their buckets isn’t going to inspire much in the way of gratitude. It’s also a grim reminder that the reaper of tooth decay is coming for them because of all the candy that they’re going to consume once they get home. Kind of a cold-blooded move.
